Dear Neil: We have been fighting about money issues for years. We argued about money when we were doing very well, and we’re fighting about money now, when we’re not. We disagree on how money is to be spent, what our financial priorities are, how to handle it when we disagree about a purchase and how much credit card debt we should carry. Right now this is complicated by us earning less than half the income we were making two years ago. Why is money such a hot-button issue for us? We know we’re not the only people having to get by on less.
-Arguing in Washington
Dear Washington: There’s a good chance that you’re actually fighting about underlying subterranean issues that often drive our emotions on this subject. Here are some of the most common hidden issues related to money:
• Power and control: Are each person’s needs and desires around money considered equally, or does one person have more financial power than the other? Is one person considered more important than the other because s/he earns most of the money? Are my opinions and feelings valued and listened to, or are major decisions made without me? Especially if you’re someone with little or no income of your own, you may feel financially powerless—less than equal—while viewing your partner as quite powerful, which is likely to lead to you eventually withdrawing or withholding yourself emotionally, sexually or in some other way. If you want to reduce or eliminate this issue, make sure both of you feel you have more or less equal say about how joint money is to be spent, saved or invested, and what financial freedoms each person has.
• Acknowledgement/Recognition: Sometimes the unaddressed or unrecognized issue has to do with not being acknowledged or appreciated for what you contribute to the relationship. Whether your contribution is primarily a paycheck, supplemental income, sex, pregnancy and child care, household chores, cooking meals or of being the emotional lifeline of the household—if someone feels unacknowledged, undervalued, unappreciated or taken for granted, s/he will inevitably feel hurt, resentful and angry—which will lead to greater distance between the two of you. If you wish to defeat this issue, call attention on a regular basis to what your intimate partner brings to the relationship, and how his/her contribution to the relationship is vital, valued and appreciated.
• Trust: Can I trust you to do the right thing concerning our money? Can I trust that we will make important financial decisions together (so that our relationship feels like a partnership instead of two separate individuals)? Can I trust you to not take advantage of me financially?
• How important am I to you? If I see you valuing your own needs or honoring someone else’s desires more than you value my needs and desires, I will not feel cared for by you, as if my feelings or wishes are just not that important to you.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
Dear Neil: My wife of 25 years and I are both in our late fifties. We once had great emotional and physical intimacy, but now her desire for sex is non-existent. She constantly repels my advances—to such a degree that we now sleep in separate bedrooms. I find myself getting short-tempered, irritable and grumpy, which is out of character for me. This increases the tensions and frictions in our marriage. What is causing this, and is there anything I can do about it?
- Desperate in New Zealand
Dear New Zealand: Here is a list of factors that contribute to the loss of sexual desire. Which of these apply to you, your wife and your marriage?
• Other than sexually, how close and intimate are you and your wife? For her, a more intimate relationship and stronger connection may be what she needs in order to be more in the mood. How romantic is your relationship? How affectionate? How much friendship and camaraderie is there? Do you open up and share your inner worlds and feelings with each other? Do you guys regularly spend time together, use endearments, cuddle, go out on dates and act sweet and romantic with each other?
• Is she angry at you? Have you guys addressed and resolved issues that are in her way?
• Is there a lot of hostility in your relationship? If you have been critical, angry, withdrawn, abrasive or mean-spirited because she has sexually retracted, such behaviors are likely to make her not want sex with you at all.
• Is she feeling blamed, judged or criticized a lot? Do you make her feel she’s inadequate?
• Is she depressed? Does she have unresolved trust issues from her past? Is she grieving the loss of somebody or something—even the loss of a previous self-image?
• What’s going wrong with her life in general? How well is she dealing with it? Is she under a lot of stress? Does she have medical conditions that make sex challenging?
• Is she taking any sedatives, diuretics or medications that could be affecting her libido? Is she drinking large volumes of alcohol?
• Is she getting enough sleep? Might she be chronically fatigued or tired?
• Other than your relationship, how’s her self-esteem, sense of self-worth and sense of self-confidence these days?
• When you were most recently making love, was the sexual experience enjoyable for her? Did you allow enough time for adequate foreplay and help her warm up at her own pace?
You may feel totally justified and self-righteous in feeling rejected, hurt and angry, but if you allow those feelings to dominate your words and actions, you are likely to push her away even further. So here’s what you might do: broach this topic with your wife. Tell her that her physical withdrawal really has your attention. Then ask what she’s been trying to communicate to you through her withdrawal. What would she like from you? Like you to do differently? See if you can get her talking about why she retracted from you, and what she would need in order to come back. And then-if you possibly can— consistently do the things she asks for, and reach out to her with non-sexual affection.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
Dear Neil: My partner of 14 years and I have recently separated – the catalyst being my discovery of her third affair in the last 8 years. In telling her how damaging her affairs have been to me – feelings of betrayal, hurt, anxiety and humiliation- I said an affair is about the most damaging thing you can do in a relationship. She commented that this is only true from a male perspective, suggesting that women are more hurt by other things, such as a lack of support, being undermined, being taken for granted or not being made to feel special.
Is this true? Are men more obsessed about infidelity and therefore more negatively impacted by it? We are moving on, but the hurt of the affairs still haunt me on a daily basis, and I am wondering if her comment is right. Am I obsessing because I am male?
- Hurt & Obsessed in New Zealand
Dear New Zealand: The more interesting question, and far more to the point, is this: If your partner understands that infidelity wounds men, why is she repeatedly doing it? Although her method of communication is both hurtful and destructive, it sure seems as if she is powerfully communicating with you through her behavior that she is unhappy with you and with your relationship.
So initiate a conversation with her about what type of relationship she would prefer. Ask her to articulate what would need to occur for her to feel that she’s in the kind of relationship she’d be happy with. That is the unspoken message in her behavior, and it would be in your self-interest to address it.
Regarding your question about whether men are hurt more by infidelity than are women, the answer is rather complicated. In my 29 years as a marriage counselor, I have seen both men and women destroyed by learning that their partner had been unfaithful. It can – and usually does – shake someone to their core, because it involves the betrayal of trust; that one person has deceived, misled by omission or outright lied to the other. It forces the cheated upon person to question whether the relationship is real, whether endearments, romantic “sweet nothings” and “I love you’s” can be believed, and whether s/he should stay or leave.
An affair will destabilize an otherwise solid relationship. It generates enormous pain, fear, insecurity, low self-esteem and anger, and it invites revenge, punishment and withdrawal. For most relationships, it will be a very long time before trust is restored, and many of those relationships will never regain the innocent, unrestrained “I’m wild about you” feelings – let alone the trust that is at the core of a healthy relationship.
I’m saying that both genders get deeply hurt by an affair. That being said, research suggests that men tend to be more focused on the sexual aspect of an affair, and women are more threatened by whether an affair has become a love relationship, and whether the other woman was getting romance or money that wasn’t being offered at home.
So to answer your question: No, you are not obsessing about her infidelity because you are male. You are obsessing about it because you’re human.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
Dear Neil: In the past several months, I have lost my job, have been unsuccessful in getting another one – and my house is getting foreclosed upon. All of this has put tremendous strain on both our family and our relationship. I find myself having a hard time staying focused and being productive, largely because I feel like I’m a failure. What would you advise someone in my shoes?
- Unable to Stay Strong in Texas
Dear Texas: I would advise you to find your inner resilience, the art of facing adversity and bouncing back. Things happen to us that cause pain, anguish, anxiety, panic, depression and fear. Events beyond our control can feel enormously deflating. But maintaining a resilient attitude will dramatically help you to cope and get through trying times. Here’s what resilient people do:
• Decide what your goals are and do everything you can to make them come true. That means you must persist in the face of obstacles, setbacks and failures – and resist the temptation to give up. It will be useful for you to have the flexibility to change direction and tactics in service to your goals.
• Focus on what you’re trying to create and what you have to look forward to.
• Take life’s ups and downs in stride. Keep your eyes on the big picture and don’t let every setback defeat your spirit.
• Pay attention to the attitudes and emotions that can sabotage you or turn you sour – and don’t give in to them.
• Learn from your mistakes, disappointments or losses, and make sure your actions are in accordance with your goals and values.
• Rise to the challenge and do the best you can.
• Make sure you never forget that the most important thing in life is about the quality of your relationships with those you care about—and to do everything you can to keep those relationships engaged, reciprocal, vital, close and connected.
• Empathy and compassion: seeing things from another person’s perspective, not just your own. Being mindful of how your words, actions and behaviors impact others and their feelings. This skill is essential to keeping your important relationships solid.
• Make sure you don’t allow yourself to get self-destructive with addictive substances or unhealthy behaviors.
• Make decisions that look out for your well-being, happiness and peace of mind.
• Live upright, with honor and integrity. Consistently being decent and doing the right thing.
• Keep yourself physically active, vital and fit.
• Be open to new people, new ways of looking at things and new experiences. Always be receptive to expanding who you are.
• Have an attitude of gratitude and thanksgiving about what you have, what you’ve accomplished, what you are and what you’re becoming.
• Reach out to others, rather than feeling sorry for yourself that others aren’t reaching out to you.
• Look toward the future with hope and optimism.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
Dear Neil: I am a 69 year old successful, affluent business woman. My boyfriend of ten years is 55, and much less successful and affluent. He has twin daughters, age 21, who he dotes over and will do anything for. But they don’t want their father to have a girlfriend.
He lives in my house and cannot afford to share all living expenses, which does not present a problem for me. But he is held an emotional hostage by the twins. He will give to them lavishly, but he has to live frugally himself. When he goes to see them, he drops me totally off his radar screen, and I lose all presence in his life. He does everything they want, when they want, with utter disregard for me, and I feel shunned and dismissed when they’re in the picture or want something from him. Is there anything I can do about this?
- Not a Priority in Pennsylvania
Dear Pennsylvania: Initiate an extremely open, honest and sober conversation with him about what each of you vision for the future of your relationship, and the quality of relationship you would like to have with each other. During the next year or two, does he see the relationship remaining about the same, or does he want it to change? What would he like to see different, and how does he envision getting from here to there? Specifically, what would he need to do in order to create that vision and what would be asked of you? Then it’s your turn to address the same questions. Talk about the quality of the relationship you desire with him for the future.
Tell him that it’s wonderful that he loves his daughters and is devoted to them, but that it feels awful to you because the warmth and connection between the two of you ceases, and then you feel invisible and unimportant to him. Don’t make this about his daughters—that will only make him defensive. Make it about you and how you feel slighted and ignored when he’s around his kids. Then tell him what behavior you’d like from him instead. Make sure to include something about the priority you’d like to hold in his life: perhaps that he can be in a warm, caring, vital relationship with you while also being a good father—and he doesn’t have to ignore one while tending to the other.
It occurs to me that he may not want the relationship to get any closer—that this is as close as he may want things to get between the two of you—but doesn’t acknowledge that because he’s financially dependent on you, and may fear you asking him to leave your house. I’m unclear if this is how he feels, but it would be prudent for you to keep a watchful eye in this direction, and look at how devoted and committed he is toward you.
In the end, you can’t control what he feels about you, or what priority he assigns you in his life. But you can get clear about what it is that you need in the relationship, and you can communicate your wishes, needs and desires, as well as what hurts, devalues or offends you. And you can also request different behavior—and how important that behavior is to you.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
by Neil Rosenthal
