Among all the frustrations of

growing up with a narcissistic parent, one paradox

is that although a narcissist strives

to feel important, loved, powerful,

in control, superior and omnipotent-

–hand-in-hand with those feelings

lie the polar opposite feelings—of

feeling unsafe, worthless, inferior,

fearful, anxious and unloved. In part,

as a cover for the negative feelings,

the narcissist criticizes and blames

you, demands that you meet his/her

expectations or needs, attempts to

control what you do and say, expects

you to drop everything in order to

tend to him /her and makes you feel

it’s impossible to consistently please

him or her.

The defense that many people

learn in order to protect themselves is

to withdraw emotionally and/or physically. They put up a wall, or in some

other way shut themselves off. This

defense—which kept you insulated

from a self-absorbed and demanding

parent—is destined to hurt or destroy

your adult intimate relationships, because a love relationship requires you

to engage, not withdraw or detach.

People that grow up with a narcissistic parent may be wary of allowing

anyone to get too close, for fear that

someone else will do the same thing

to you that occurred when you were

growing up, says Nina Brown in the

book Children of the Self-Absorbed

(New Harbinger Publications).

Further, she continues, you may have

under-developed empathy for other

people, because the very defenses we

use to escape the onslaught and demands of a narcissistic parent become

barriers to opening ourselves up to

someone else’s feelings and needs as

an adult.

Needless to say, creating and

maintaining a healthy intimate love

relationship requires you to overcome

childhood defenses so you can be

fully open, present and emotionally available for another. There’s no

magic in a relationship if one of us

thwarts connection, responds with

little or no empathy or won’t let the

other person get very close.

The lack of a satisfying intimate

relationship is only one consequence

of growing up with a narcissistic parent. Other consequences may include

feeling a lack of purpose or meaning

in life; relationship problems with

family, friends or at work; lack of selfconfidence; and feeling incompetent,

flawed, isolated or alienated—to

name a few.

So what can you do? Brown

recommends that you choose one or

two goals from the following list—

and challenge yourself to master the

task: allowing yourself to be aware of

what you truly feel; expressing those

feelings; not doing something just

to please someone else; developing

recreational interests and activities;

developing a network of social

support; taking good care of your

physical self; cultivating meaningful

relationships; reaching out and giving to others; involving yourself in

creative endeavors and staying open

to someone’s emotions or strong

feelings without emotionally or

physically checking out.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed

marriage and family therapist in

the Denver and Boulder, CO areas,

specializing in how people strengthen

their intimate relationships. He can

be reached at 303.758.8777.

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by Neil Rosenthal

Dear Neil: How do I get over an ex that I am still in love with? I was in a relationship with a woman for about two years before we broke up. We have tried to remain friends, and we meet for coffee from time to time. I am still in love with her, but it is not reciprocated. I often think it would be best if I just didn’t see her at all. But we live only a few blocks from each other, and it’s quite difficult to not bump into her. This is really driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do. I find myself obsessing about her. What would you recommend?

- Can’t Move On in Wellington, NZ

Dear Wellington: The biggest problem you’re describing is that you’re still in love with a woman who is no longer in love with you,and that will bring heartache to anyone.  So the first thing you’re going to have to do if you want to stop feeling tortured is to quit meeting with her. It is hurting you, not helping you. The second thing is to find a way to stop loving her.

How do you stop loving someone? Well first, you’re going to have to come to terms with the loss of the relationship. You have to let her go, let go of your attachment to her, let go of your inward hope that the two of you will reconcile, and you have to let go of the dream about her having a place in your future.

Then you need to do some serious soul searching, so you can make peace with the ending of that relationship. Here are my suggestions:

• What would you say your role was in causing the problems in the relationship, or in assisting the relationship to break down? Do a thorough self-examination around this question. Without beating yourself up, make sure you hold yourself accountable for what you said, what you did and how you conducted yourself in the relationship.
• Look at what lessons the relationship has taught you. Is there anything you want to make sure you don’t do next time? What did you learn—about life and about yourself—by being in this relationship?
• Are there any relationship skills you need to get better at, such as being more articulate in your communication or in expressing your anger more appropriately? How could you improve those relationship skills now?
• Look at what you gained by being in the relationship. How are you enriched? Better? Wiser? How did this relationship assist you in being a better you? What did the relationship give you that you feel grateful for?
• Concerning your relationship, what are you willing to forgive her for?  What do you want to be forgiven for?

There are also several steps you could take that would assist you in healing:

• Talk about your pain and hurt with someone who is a good listener. Talking is the first step toward healing.
• Create some new goals for yourself, and go after achieving them.• Now is the time to invite new people into your life, to strengthen your existing relationships and to reach out to other people for friendship and support.
• Figure out how to have more fun. Life is about falling down and getting back up again.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.

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by Neil Rosenthal

Dear Neil: Given that you are a marriage and family therapist, I am surprised that you seem to know so little about post-menopausal women. Western post-menopausal women —due to stressful lives, bad diet and lack of exercise—end up with endocrine degeneration, which in turn leads to a significant loss of sexual urge. Foreplay doesn’t work, and sex becomes no fun. This can be quickly corrected by measured and monitored doses of natural hormone treatment.

When reading your recent article advising a husband about his wife’s loss of sexual desire, I was very disappointed to note that you didn’t mention this most likely scenario. Hormonal changes should be eliminated as a cause of low sexual interest in post-menopausal women first, not last.

- Disappointed in New Zealand

Dear New Zealand: I am printing your letter as a representative of several dozen other letters I have received from readers on this subject, all essentially saying the same thing you are saying.

And you would be right. Especially regarding women who are going through, or who have gone through perimenopause, menopause, estrogen replacement therapy or surgery to remove ovaries.  All of those causes reduce a woman’s testosterone level, which she needs for sexual interest and desire.

Testosterone largely dictates libido in both males and females. Called the “hormone of desire,” it stimulates sexual interest and sensitivity to sexual stimulation.

The signs of testosterone deficiency in both men and women include decreased sexual desire, decreased sensitivity to sexual stimulation, decreased ability to become sexually aroused and a reduced sense of overall well-being, according to Susan Rako, M.D., author of The Hormone of Desire (Harmon Books). She says that by the age of 40, most women produce at least 50% less testosterone than they did when they were 20— and sometimes dramatically less than that—and that testosterone further decreases from there as we age.

We’re talking about replacing testosterone levels a woman once produced when she was younger, to bring her back to the level of libido she had then. In addition, testosterone therapy for women has been shown in studies to increase energy, psychological well-being and bone mass, which helps in the prevention of developing osteoporosis.

If you are a woman in midlife or older, and you’ve noticed a puzzling decrease in sexual interest that is seemingly not related to the quality of your relationship, talk with your doctor or gynecologist about taking testosterone. It can be taken as a pill, a cream or a lozenge.  There are also herbs and natural products as alternatives which may be effective. In addition, it would be prudent to have your estrogen and progesterone levels checked also, because there could be a hormonal imbalance further complicating the problem.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.

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by Neil Rosenthal

Note: this is the second of a two-part series.

Let’s say you’re 50 years of age or older. And let’s also say that you’re single and dating, or about to be single and interested in dating again. And finally, let’s also say that you’re unsure about how to evaluate and select someone who will be compatible, appropriate and wise for you, perhaps because you feel you haven’t done a good job selecting a partner wisely in your past.

Here is a continuation of the criteria I suggest you use in evaluating and choosing a potential intimate partner—for people 50 and over. If you can’t answer these questions confidently, you don’t know the other person well enough to make a decision about the future:

• Does s/he offer you partnership and teamwork? Two people working together for a common purpose, instead of your partner basically looking out only for him/herself.

• Do you like her? This is a deeper question than it may appear to be at first glance. I’m not talking about feeling attracted to or sexually interested in her.

• Is he friendly to you? Helpful when you need to talk? A good listener? Compassionate? Kind? Respectful?

• Does she take care of you—or does she primarily expect to be taken care of? If anything terrible happened to you, could you rely on her to be there for you?

• Is he depressed? Volatile? Self-absorbed? Anxious? Compulsive? Screwed-up? If so, are you going to be able to handle this long-range?

• How does she behave at her worst? What’s it like to be with her when she’s sick, in a bad mood, depressed, discouraged, angry, revengeful, rageful, anxious, fearful?

• What are the conflicts between the two of you? How serious are they? Are these areas that could spell trouble down the road?

• Is your partner very hesitant to make a commitment? What experiences about commitment are each of you bringing into the relationship?

• Is he letting his heart get involved with you? Is he emotionally connected with you, or is he primarily with you for fun, sex or companionship? Does he share his inner self with you?

• How willing is she to blend with you? With your tastes, your lifestyle, your family and friends, the realities of your career or your income, your needs, your wants and your dreams?

• How good are his communication, conflict resolution, problem solving and negotiating skills? Is he able to discuss and resolve conflicts and differences as they arise?

• What substances or behaviors is she addicted to? Is this an addiction that could threaten the relationship?

• Do you play well together? How evenly matched are your interests—and in the ways the two of you have fun? How open are the two of you to creating new activities and interests together?

• What are your partner’s attitudes about the frequency and importance of sex? How about the importance of fidelity?

• What priority does he put on your relationship verses the rest of his life?

• Are there any warning signs you notice that could be deal breakers later on?

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.

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by Neil Rosenthal

Note: this is the first of a two-part series.

Dear Neil: I am fifty-five, and find myself single all over again. Trying to find a relationship is radically different than it was when I was in my twenties. I want to remarry, but it’s harder to date at this age, and it is very difficult to evaluate whether someone would be compatible with me. I know I’m not as “hot” as I used to be, and the people I’m meeting aren’t likely to win “sexiest man alive” contests anytime soon as well.  Is there anything that could help me evaluate whether someone is a good potential intimate partner for me?

- Haven’t Given Up in California

Dear California: I’ll try. Part of the dilemma is that adults in midlife and older are far more self-defined than they were when they were younger. Presumably you know who you are, what you want, what you’re unwilling to accept or tolerate, what attracts you and what your deal-breakers are. There are also important lifestyle differences to consider: living in the city vs. the country; food and diet choices; someone’s overall health and well-being; personality styles you don’t want to deal with; moody individuals . And of course there are those people that have their hearts walled off, so it’s just about impossible to get really close to them. And who hasn’t encountered people who are wedded to their work, children/grandchildren, sports or anything other than you?

Here are my suggestions for how to evaluate and choose a potential intimate partner for people fifty and over:

• How personal is the relationship? That is, do the two of you confide personal feelings about your hopes, dreams, fears, traumatic experiences, challenges, disappointments and goals for the future? Would you describe the relationship as having depth, or is it more superficial?

• How compassionate and empathetic is this person? Toward you and others? How self-centered is s/he? Does your partner talk most of the time, or is s/he interested in knowing you, also?

• Are you attracted to him/her? Don’t get fooled. You still want to feel that romantic spark, don’t you?

• Do you have influence over major decisions? Are decisions made together or separately?

• How is anger expressed and handled in the relationship?

• Are you satisfied with the amount of quality time s/he makes available for you?

• When you identify things that are important to you, how responsive and accommodating is s/he to your needs, desires, wishes and requests?

• How well are your goals aligned? If one of you wants to live together and/or marry and the other doesn’t, you’re going to have trouble down the road.

• What is your partner’s attitude and comfort level regarding your children, grandchildren, extended family, friends and co-workers? Is s/he willing to join the relationships that comprise your world, or do you get resistance?

• What is your potential partner’s financial situation? Is s/he financially stable? Able to eventually retire without being too strapped? Are you likely to be his/her major form of financial support in the future? Are you OK with that?

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.

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Let’s say you were looking to love someone—or to love someone more fully. What would you do to achieve that goal? Pamper her with jewelry? Compliment him? Romance her more? Spend more time together? Bring her flowers? Seduce him?

Well, not exactly. Not that those behaviors wouldn’t be appreciated, but rather those behaviors are only partial answers to the question of what it takes for us to be more loving. The real answer is that we require the five A’s: attention, acceptance/approval, appreciation, affection and allowing. The following behaviors, taken together, open us up and make us feel safe, secure, loved, valued and cherished:

Attention. Attunement. Noticing what someone is doing, how they’re doing, how they’re feeling, what they sound like, what they need and want. When we feel someone’s genuine and friendly attention, we feel more deeply known for who we are, and it creates greater degrees of connection, trust and safety. Attention is about bringing someone into our focus, so we no longer see that person with as much blurred vision.

Acceptance/Approval. When you feel accepted, you feel worthy. Trusted. Approved of as you are. Supported. The more secure you feel regarding how accepted you are, the more you will be able to open up and love more freely. So how do we accept traits and behaviors in our partner (and in ourselves) which are self-destructive, self-centered, morally wrong, foolish and risky? The answer lies in seeing beyond someone’s weaknesses to his or her inner being, where we can see his/her inner beauty and potential.

Appreciation. To feel greater levels of self-confidence and self-worth, we need to feel recognized, appreciated, respected and valued for what we are, what we give, what we do and how we are unique and special.

Affection. Touch is essential for opening up and remaining intimate. From holding hands to making love, expressing ourselves physically helps us stay connected and secure in each others presence. But affection can be more than physical. It is also about feeling and communicating that you genuinely like someone else, and like being in his/her presence.

Allowing. In a relationship, when I am allowed to be my authentic self, to express my deepest needs and longings, to trust in my own judgment, to go after creating my life’s goals and ambitions and to explore my own unique path and interests, you are allowing me the ability to create my best self.  So if you want me, you cannot be controlling of me, or put so many demands on me that I wind up losing myself in order to take care of you.

The five A’s are eloquently articulated and described by David Richo in his book How to be an Adult in Relationships (Shambhala). They are the essential ingredients of love, respect, security and support. All of them make us more loving both when we give and when we receive them.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777 or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.

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by Neil Rosenthal

Note: This is the second of a two-part series.

Even lawyers aren’t always adversarial. Many lawyers will acknowledge that a successful negotiation allows both sides to walk away from the table feeling content with the outcome.

But all too often, couple’s who can’t resolve their differences approach each other like bad lawyers. They argue their case over and over again—attempting to wear the other down—in order to get their way. In a relationship, however, it isn’t wise to have a winner and a loser. If one person feels defeated and therefore submits to the other, that will just generate greater levels of resentment.

Here are some suggestions about how to successfully resolve angry conflicts in your relationship, courtesy of Ellen Wachtel, in her book We Love Each Other But… (St. Martin’s Griffin):

• Make a list of your mate’s specific sensitivities and hot-button issues. What is he particularly reactive to? What really sets her off? Keep this list handy, because you’ll be able to add to it as things arise.

• Acknowledge your own sensitivities and issues, and turn criticisms into requests. Often you can avoid highly charged conflict by prefacing your reactions, comments and criticisms with an acknowledgement that you are touchy also.  You could say something like: “We both know I am sensitive about being told what to do. Even though your advice may not bother someone else, it annoys me. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t give me directions and advice when I’m driving.” In general, the more you can couch your request as having to do with your needs rather than your partner’s failings, the more likely you are to be heard. If you say, for instance:”I know I get stressed by a messy environment and that I’m a bit of a neat freak,” you are inviting your partner to try harder to keep things neat. If you label him a slob, he is less likely to cooperate with you.

• Pair a statement of what you appreciate, admire or respect about your partner with a complaint or a request. For most people, criticism is hard to take, but it can be particularly difficult if it undercuts someone’s self-confidence or increases his/her self-doubt. Prefacing a complaint will soften the way it will be received. You might say something like:” I know you try hard to be even-tempered and most of the time I think you do pretty well, but recently I’ve been feeling you’ve been moody and quick to anger with me.”

• Try to accommodate your partner’s sensitivities even if they seem irrational.  Are there things you would do or say (or not do and say) if you were specifically attempting to avoid engaging one of your partner’s hot-button issues? Avoid “fighting words.”  If telling your partner that you think he’s selfish leads to a huge fight, stop using that word. Describe his actions in some other way. (This does not mean you should do all the accommodating. Each of us has the responsibility to work through our own issues so that the task of solving your problems has not been passed along to your partner.)

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.

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by Neil Rosenthal

Note: This is the first of a two-part series

What sets you off? Are there predictable landmines that trigger fights, arguments or angry outbursts—in your intimate relationship, with your children or with other close people to you? Here are a list of hot-button issues and emotional triggers, many of which come from Ellen Wachtel in her book We Love Each Other, But… (St. Martin’s Griffin). Which of these describe you, your partner or your intimate relationship?

• Do you tend to feel that you are not the number one priority in your partner’s life?
• Do you feel hurt easily?
• Do you like things “just so”? Is it hard for you to see things done the “wrong” way? Is it hard for you to delegate responsibility to someone else?
• Are you afraid of too much closeness or dependency? Do you keep yourself removed, walled off, uninvolved or largely unavailable?
• Do you fear abandonment? Can you easily feel neglected or slighted?
• Do you get jealous easily?
• Do you tend to feel that you are being taken advantage of?
• Are you more critical than you would like to be?
• Do you speak with an edge in your voice when you think your partner should already know something, or when she repeats herself?
• Do you have difficulty relaxing until everything on your day’s “to do” list is accomplished?
• Are you overly sensitive to criticism?
• Do you worry about being controlled?
• Do you push yourself to the point of getting overwhelmed?
• Do you revisit decisions over and over again that have already been made?
• Do you mull over what is bothering you for a long time before expressing your feelings?
• Do you blame or lash out when you are frustrated?
• Are you stubborn?
• Are you moody?
• Do you have trouble admitting to or apologizing when you are wrong?
• Do you interpret your partner’s clutter and mess in the house to mean that s/he does not care about what is important to you?
• Do you feel you give a great deal more than you receive from your partner?
• Do you feel your partner lacks empathy or is unresponsive to your feelings, needs or desires? Do you feel that your partner doesn’t treat your desires as important?
• Do you have poor control over your anger, reactivity, defensiveness, anxiety or fear?
• Do you feel your efforts go unappreciated by your partner?
• Do you feel badly treated or poorly respected by your partner?
• Are you craving more nurturing, friendliness, affection, tenderness or sex?
• Do you feel betrayed?
• Is there secrecy, withholding of personal information or dishonesty in your relationship?
• Are you reluctant to commit?

I will address how to diffuse relationship triggers in next week’s column.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.

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