by Neil Rosenthal

Note:  This is the first of a two-part series.

Dear Neil: I need help. I am in a 22-year affectionless, sexless and loveless marriage with my high school sweetheart.  I am also in a three year extremely passionate relationship with another woman who I am deeply in love with.  I know that, on the surface, what I should do may seem easy.  Divorce my wife, and marry the woman I love.  But nothing in this case is either easy or simple.

There are three children involved, ranging in age from 17 to 7.  My wife has an extremely hot temper, and if I leave her I would expect her to prove that old Shakespearean quote “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”  I am concerned that she will poison the kids against me-or attempt to keep the kids from me all together.  I fully expect she will attempt to spoil as many of my friendships as she can-including with my own family.  And I greatly fear that she will ask the court for large sums of maintenance and child support that will cut my lifestyle down to zilch.

There are some good things with my wife, also.  We work very well together as a team.  We’re good friends.  We have a long history together (I’ve known her since the 5th grade), we’re bonded with each other’s extended families, we are great parents together and we enjoy similar activities and interests.

So what do I do?  How do I make a decision?  I am so torn up over this dilemma that I haven’t been able to sleep for months.  I know this is likely to explode on me in the long run.  I am leaning toward divorcing my wife and marrying my lover, but how do I know if that’s the right choice?  Please help.

-Tortured in Wyoming

Dear Wyoming:

The best way I know of to figure out which woman to choose is to ask yourself-and to honestly answer-a very sober set of questions that come from Myra Kirshenbaum’s book When Good People Have Affairs (St. Martin’s Press).  Here are the questions:

• If my lover just disappeared, and if I put time and energy into my marriage, including our maybe working with a good couple’s therapist, can I imagine a realistic scenario in which things would be better for us and I would be content to stay in my marriage?

• Suppose you divorce your wife and marry your lover.  Do you have a compelling reason to believe that two years after you married your lover that your lifestyle would be dramatically better (or worse) than it is now?  Is there a good chance that you’ll lose touch with your children?  Will you lose a lot of money?  Will constant hassles with your ex and endless legal expenses drain your nerves and your bank account?  Will you become an outcast to your family and friends?

• Can you honestly say that two years after your divorce you will be happier and  the divorce won’t have dragged you down too far?

• Come up with as many items as you can that you enjoy doing or would like to try.  Which of these interests, passions or shared activities do you enjoy with your wife?  With the other woman?

• Thinking about your lover, what do believe her exes would say about why their relationship ended and what it was like to be with her?

I will continue these questions in next issue’s column.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships.  He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website, www.heartrelationships.com.

by Neil Rosenthal

Do you have difficulty trusting important people in your life? More to the point, are you wanting to trust people more than you do? Trust your intimate partner more? If so, complete the following sentences as thoroughly as you can, courtesy of Pat Love in the book The Truth About Love (Fireside):

Concerning your intimate partner:

1. I would feel more secure in our relationship if…
2. I would trust you more if…
3. I would be willing to risk more in terms of romance if…
4. I would take more sexual risks with you if…
5. I would trust you more sexually if…
6. I would feel better about us going out socially if …
7. I would feel closer to you emotionally if…
8. I would do more projects with you if…
9. I would enjoy time with our family and friends more if…
10. The one thing that would strengthen my commitment the most is…

Now, explore how you can be more trustworthy to your partner:

1. I believe you would trust me more if I…
2. I could help make our relationship more romantic if I …
3. I could help make our relationship more sexually satisfying if I…
4. I can improve the trust level of our friendship if I…
5. I could make our relationship safer for myself if I…
6. I could make our social life more fun if I…
7. I could make it easier to live with me or be around me if I…
8. I could improve our time with family and/or friends if I…
9. I could make our relationship emotionally safer for you if I….
10. I could make projects around the house more enjoyable if I…
11. When we hit a low spot, I could help our relationship get back on track by…
12. I could make our relationship more of a priority if …
13. I could help my partner feel more confident about my commitment if I…
14. I could include my partner more in the important events in my life by…
15. I could improve my part in helping us to resolve our conflicts if I…
16. I could help improve the amount of fun we have together if…

Cynthia Wall, in the book The Courage To Trust (New Harbinger) offers the following exercise about your trust issues. Draw two vertical lines on a page, creating three columns. The first will hold names of people you know and the next two are for notes.

Column 1: Begin the list with people you frequently see or interact with, such a coworkers, neighbors, family members, parents, bosses, teachers, friends, lovers, ex-lovers, customers, clients, employees and so on.

Column 2: Give a rating of 0-100 to note how relaxed and confident you feel with each of these people. This measures your trust of key people in your life. You are simply noting how authentic, free or cautious you are with this person about revealing who you really are. If doing this exercise makes you tense, ask yourself “What rule am I breaking here, whose rule is it?”

Column 3: Look over the list of people and the ratings. Write down any qualities about each person that caused you to feel either safer or more apprehensive. Are they younger, less experienced, non-confrontational? Are people who are personable and/or self-confident easier or harder for you to trust?

Choosing to trust is an act of emotional resilience. It is connected to our happiness, serenity and peace of mind, and it largely defines how close our intimate relationships will be.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website, www.heartrelationships.com

by Neil Rosenthal

Note: This is the first of a two-part series.

Answer true (T) or false (F) to the following statements:

1. I believe most people can be trusted.

2. I find it easy to trust those close to me.

3. The people I have loved the most are trustworthy.

4. The people closest to me throughout my life are sensitive to my needs.

5. I was raised with very responsible people.

6. I have several models of happy love relationships in my family.

7. Growing up, I could trust the adults in my family to tell the truth.

8. Communication was very clear in my family.

9. As a child, I was given good information about life.

10. Telling the truth was an important value in my family.

11. I could always trust my mother to care for me.

12. I could always trust my father to care for me.

13. I felt important growing up.

14. My earliest romantic relationships were fulfilling.

15. I felt attractive growing up.

16. I received very good sex education as a child and adolescent.

17. I came into adulthood very well prepared for relationships.

18. I felt special as a child.

19. My parents were devoted to one another.

20. I have always been trustworthy.

Now circle the answer that completes the sentence most accurately. Circle more than one if they fit. If none apply, complete the sentence on your own:

21. My biggest difficulty with trust is:

(a) not trusting enough
(b) trusting people who are not trustworthy
(c) expecting people to be perfect
(d) not trusting myself

22. In terms of jealousy, I:

(a) am rarely jealous
(b) am prone to jealousy
(c) have a jealous partner
(d) like it when my partner is jealous.

23. My personal history with trust includes:

(a) being untrustworthy
(b) breaking confidences
(c) being very trustworthy
(d) learning to be more trustworthy.

24. I am least trustworthy with:

(a) private information
(b) money
(c) keeping appointments
(d) sexual fidelity

25. My greatest fears around trust have to do with:

(a) sex
(b) money
(c) friends
(d) family

26. Most of my love relationships were:

(a) trustworthy
(b) fulfilling
(c) disappointing
(d) painful

27. In a relationship, I am usually the one who:

(a) wins the arguments
(b) gets his/her way
(c) apologizes
(d) gives in

28. My worst fear in a relationship is:

(a) getting hurt
(b) hurting the other person
(c) getting too close
(d) losing interest

29. In a relationship, I practice:

(a) total honesty and truth
(b) selective honesty
(c) the right to privacy
(d) prying into my partner’s privacy

30. Overall my ability to trust is:

(a) healthy and balanced
(b) comfortable for me
(c) still developing
(d) insecure

Going back over your answers, how would you evaluate your history with trust? Can you see any reflection of your history in your current relationship or recent relationships? There are no right or wrong answers to the above questions. They are designed to help you look at the past and present issues you have regarding trust.

This quiz was taken from Pat Love’s book “The Truth About Love” (Fireside). I will continue this discussion and offer recommendations about trust in next week’s column.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website, www.heartrelationships.com

by Neil Rosenthal

Intimate relationships experience a certain number of differences that don’t go away, no matter what.  But a failure to be able to dialogue and compromise on such conflicts can lead a couple to profound feelings of frustration, anger and resentment.

Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, in their book “Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage” (Crown Publishers) have an exercise to help you understand, verbalize and talk about the dreams imbedded within your conflicts-the individual hopes and aspirations each of you have on a variety of issues.

Look through the following list of dreams, and circle any that are causing tension in your relationship with your intimate partner:  a sense of freedom;  the experience of peace;  unity with nature;  exploring who I am;  adventure;  a spiritual journey;  justice;  honor;  unity with my past;  healing;  knowing my family;  becoming all I can be;  having a sense of power;  dealing with my aging;  exploring a creative side of myself;  becoming more powerful;  getting over past hurts;  becoming more competent;  asking God for forgiveness;  exploring a part of myself I  lost;  getting over a personal hang-up;  having a sense of order;  being able to be productive;  having a place and a time to just “be;”  being able to truly relax;  reflecting on my life;  getting my priorities in order;  finishing something important;  exploring the physical side of myself;  being able to compete and win;  travel;  quiet;  atonement;  building something important;  ending a chapter of my life;  saying goodbye to something;  finding love;  the frequency of lovemaking;  what I need in order to be in the mood for sex;  finances (spending vs. saving);  socializing and spending time with other people;  wanting more romance and passion.

Take one of the issues to talk with your partner about - and invite your partner to do the same with one of his/her issues.  Designate one person as the speaker and the other as the listener.  The speaker tells the listener all about his/her dream.  The listener’s job is to draw the information out of the speaker using questions like these:  What’s important to you about this dream?  What’s the most important part?  Why is this part important?  Is there something from your life history that relates to this dream?  Tell me the feelings you have about this dream.  Are there any feelings you left out?  What do you ideally wish for regarding this dream?  What would be your ideal?  How do you imagine things would be if you got what you wanted?  Do you imagine some fear or disaster if this dream were to not be fulfilled?

When you’re the listener, don’t debate the issue or express your own opinions about your partner’s dream, don’t attempt to use this exercise to try to convince the other that your  position in the conflict is the “right” position.

When the speaker is done, switch roles and explore the other partner’s dream.  Then look for ways that you can be flexible in order to honor the letter and the spirit of  your partner’s dream.  Realize that this is an issue of compromise, and compromise never feels perfect.  The important thing is that each of you feels that your dream is understood, respected and honored if at all possible.

These inner dreams are likely what’s underneath the conflicts between the two of you.  Looking at how you can be empathetic and encouraging toward your partner’s dream - and how she/he can be supportive of yours - will hopefully reduce the conflicts, arguments and distance between the two of you.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships.  He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website, www.heartrelationships.com

by Neil Rosenthal

Dear Neil: This is a story of two men. One is a gentle man who genuinely likes me and who nurtures me, is wonderfully caretaking, kind, emotionally healthy and sweet. The other man is totally self-absorbed and self-centered, jealous, insecure, controlling, manipulative, mean-spirited, dishonest and he treats me like dirt. Oh, did I mention that he has a drinking problem? Or that he calls me every demeaning name in the dictionary?

So why would I reject the sweet guy and choose the insecure, selfish, mean-spirited one and then not be able to stay away from him, even though I know he’s unwise and unhealthy for me?

-Needing To Know in Canada

Dear Canada: Why would you reject the right man and have an addiction to the wrong man? Four answers: 1) Choosing what you’re familiar with; 2) Feeling that you don’t deserve or are not worthy of a caring, nurturing, sweet guy; 3) Getting hooked on the drama and the chaos that comes with being with an insecure, unhealthy and addicted man who “needs you”; and 4) Being a habitual people-pleaser.

In the first scenario, look at the way your parents treated each other and how the kids were treated growing up. Did one of your parents-or did you-feel as if what you wanted or needed wasn’t valued? If you grew up feeling that your needs weren’t taken seriously or considered important, you may be-as an adult-uncomfortable with a intimate partner who is caretaking, nurturing or generous. You may be more comfortable with what you are used to or familiar with. And what you grew up with - or how previous romantic partners have behaved toward you-or how your parents treated each other, is what you’re familiar with. Most of us choose what we’re familiar with, even if it’s downright destructive.

Second, in your heart, do you feel that you are worthy of a nurturing, giving, attentive, emotionally available guy? Yes, I know that is what you’ve always said that you wanted-but deep down do you feel you deserve such a man? It may be that this feels foreign and even unsafe to you. Do you fear that if you give your heart to a wonderful guy, he will eventually find you unworthy or inadequate, and then reject you? If you don’t feel deep down as if you deserve to be loved and spoiled, you are far more likely to choose intimate partners who can’t or won’t love you because your self-image tells you that you don’t deserve any better.

Third, the drama and the chaos created by a guy who is always on the edge of losing control-or who is addicted, needy, jealous, selfish, controlling or perhaps desperate - creates enormous intensity, which is easily mistaken by many people for love. But this is not love. It is drama, being on the verge of losing control and emotional intensity. Learn the difference between love and dramatic intensity. They are not the same.

Finally, what is the advantage of continuously trying to please a person who is never pleased except in a very temporary way? You wind up feeling as if you are beating your head against the wall. If you’re a people pleaser, choose someone you can actually succeed with, not someone who is impossible to win over.

As sad as it seems, many people can’t handle a good relationship with an emotionally healthy giving person. It’s too unfamiliar and threatening.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, Colorado, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website, www.heartrelationships.com