Let’s say you’re 50 years of age or older. And let’s also say that you’re single and dating, or about to be single and interested in dating again. And finally, let’s also say that you’re unsure about how to evaluate and select someone who will be compatible, appropriate and wise for you, perhaps because you feel you haven’t done a good job selecting a partner wisely in your past.
Here is a continuation of the criteria I suggest you use in evaluating and choosing a potential intimate partner—for people 50 and over. If you can’t answer these questions confidently, you don’t know the other person well enough to make a decision about the future:
• Does s/he offer you partnership and teamwork? Two people working together for a common purpose, instead of your partner basically looking out only for him/herself.
• Do you like her? This is a deeper question than it may appear to be at first glance. I’m not talking about feeling attracted to or sexually interested in her.
• Is he friendly to you? Helpful when you need to talk? A good listener? Compassionate? Kind? Respectful?
• Does she take care of you—or does she primarily expect to be taken care of? If anything terrible happened to you, could you rely on her to be there for you?
• Is he depressed? Volatile? Self-absorbed? Anxious? Compulsive? Screwed-up? If so, are you going to be able to handle this long-range?
• How does she behave at her worst? What’s it like to be with her when she’s sick, in a bad mood, depressed, discouraged, angry, revengeful, rageful, anxious, fearful?
• What are the conflicts between the two of you? How serious are they? Are these areas that could spell trouble down the road?
• Is your partner very hesitant to make a commitment? What experiences about commitment are each of you bringing into the relationship?
• Is he letting his heart get involved with you? Is he emotionally connected with you, or is he primarily with you for fun, sex or companionship? Does he share his inner self with you?
• How willing is she to blend with you? With your tastes, your lifestyle, your family and friends, the realities of your career or your income, your needs, your wants and your dreams?
• How good are his communication, conflict resolution, problem solving and negotiating skills? Is he able to discuss and resolve conflicts and differences as they arise?
• What substances or behaviors is she addicted to? Is this an addiction that could threaten the relationship?
• Do you play well together? How evenly matched are your interests—and in the ways the two of you have fun? How open are the two of you to creating new activities and interests together?
• What are your partner’s attitudes about the frequency and importance of sex? How about the importance of fidelity?
• What priority does he put on your relationship verses the rest of his life?
• Are there any warning signs you notice that could be deal breakers later on?
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
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Posted
on September 1st, 2010
| category: Intimacy
Dear Neil: I am fifty-five, and find myself single all over again. Trying to find a relationship is radically different than it was when I was in my twenties. I want to remarry, but it’s harder to date at this age, and it is very difficult to evaluate whether someone would be compatible with me. I know I’m not as “hot” as I used to be, and the people I’m meeting aren’t likely to win “sexiest man alive” contests anytime soon as well. Is there anything that could help me evaluate whether someone is a good potential intimate partner for me?
- Haven’t Given Up in California
Dear California: I’ll try. Part of the dilemma is that adults in midlife and older are far more self-defined than they were when they were younger. Presumably you know who you are, what you want, what you’re unwilling to accept or tolerate, what attracts you and what your deal-breakers are. There are also important lifestyle differences to consider: living in the city vs. the country; food and diet choices; someone’s overall health and well-being; personality styles you don’t want to deal with; moody individuals . And of course there are those people that have their hearts walled off, so it’s just about impossible to get really close to them. And who hasn’t encountered people who are wedded to their work, children/grandchildren, sports or anything other than you?
Here are my suggestions for how to evaluate and choose a potential intimate partner for people fifty and over:
• How personal is the relationship? That is, do the two of you confide personal feelings about your hopes, dreams, fears, traumatic experiences, challenges, disappointments and goals for the future? Would you describe the relationship as having depth, or is it more superficial?
• How compassionate and empathetic is this person? Toward you and others? How self-centered is s/he? Does your partner talk most of the time, or is s/he interested in knowing you, also?
• Are you attracted to him/her? Don’t get fooled. You still want to feel that romantic spark, don’t you?
• Do you have influence over major decisions? Are decisions made together or separately?
• How is anger expressed and handled in the relationship?
• Are you satisfied with the amount of quality time s/he makes available for you?
• When you identify things that are important to you, how responsive and accommodating is s/he to your needs, desires, wishes and requests?
• How well are your goals aligned? If one of you wants to live together and/or marry and the other doesn’t, you’re going to have trouble down the road.
• What is your partner’s attitude and comfort level regarding your children, grandchildren, extended family, friends and co-workers? Is s/he willing to join the relationships that comprise your world, or do you get resistance?
• What is your potential partner’s financial situation? Is s/he financially stable? Able to eventually retire without being too strapped? Are you likely to be his/her major form of financial support in the future? Are you OK with that?
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
Let’s say you were looking to love someone—or to love someone more fully. What would you do to achieve that goal? Pamper her with jewelry? Compliment him? Romance her more? Spend more time together? Bring her flowers? Seduce him?
Well, not exactly. Not that those behaviors wouldn’t be appreciated, but rather those behaviors are only partial answers to the question of what it takes for us to be more loving. The real answer is that we require the five A’s: attention, acceptance/approval, appreciation, affection and allowing. The following behaviors, taken together, open us up and make us feel safe, secure, loved, valued and cherished:
Attention. Attunement. Noticing what someone is doing, how they’re doing, how they’re feeling, what they sound like, what they need and want. When we feel someone’s genuine and friendly attention, we feel more deeply known for who we are, and it creates greater degrees of connection, trust and safety. Attention is about bringing someone into our focus, so we no longer see that person with as much blurred vision.
Acceptance/Approval. When you feel accepted, you feel worthy. Trusted. Approved of as you are. Supported. The more secure you feel regarding how accepted you are, the more you will be able to open up and love more freely. So how do we accept traits and behaviors in our partner (and in ourselves) which are self-destructive, self-centered, morally wrong, foolish and risky? The answer lies in seeing beyond someone’s weaknesses to his or her inner being, where we can see his/her inner beauty and potential.
Appreciation. To feel greater levels of self-confidence and self-worth, we need to feel recognized, appreciated, respected and valued for what we are, what we give, what we do and how we are unique and special.
Affection. Touch is essential for opening up and remaining intimate. From holding hands to making love, expressing ourselves physically helps us stay connected and secure in each others presence. But affection can be more than physical. It is also about feeling and communicating that you genuinely like someone else, and like being in his/her presence.
Allowing. In a relationship, when I am allowed to be my authentic self, to express my deepest needs and longings, to trust in my own judgment, to go after creating my life’s goals and ambitions and to explore my own unique path and interests, you are allowing me the ability to create my best self. So if you want me, you cannot be controlling of me, or put so many demands on me that I wind up losing myself in order to take care of you.
The five A’s are eloquently articulated and described by David Richo in his book How to be an Adult in Relationships (Shambhala). They are the essential ingredients of love, respect, security and support. All of them make us more loving both when we give and when we receive them.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777 or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
Even lawyers aren’t always adversarial. Many lawyers will acknowledge that a successful negotiation allows both sides to walk away from the table feeling content with the outcome.
But all too often, couple’s who can’t resolve their differences approach each other like bad lawyers. They argue their case over and over again—attempting to wear the other down—in order to get their way. In a relationship, however, it isn’t wise to have a winner and a loser. If one person feels defeated and therefore submits to the other, that will just generate greater levels of resentment.
Here are some suggestions about how to successfully resolve angry conflicts in your relationship, courtesy of Ellen Wachtel, in her book We Love Each Other But… (St. Martin’s Griffin):
• Make a list of your mate’s specific sensitivities and hot-button issues. What is he particularly reactive to? What really sets her off? Keep this list handy, because you’ll be able to add to it as things arise.
• Acknowledge your own sensitivities and issues, and turn criticisms into requests. Often you can avoid highly charged conflict by prefacing your reactions, comments and criticisms with an acknowledgement that you are touchy also. You could say something like: “We both know I am sensitive about being told what to do. Even though your advice may not bother someone else, it annoys me. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t give me directions and advice when I’m driving.” In general, the more you can couch your request as having to do with your needs rather than your partner’s failings, the more likely you are to be heard. If you say, for instance:”I know I get stressed by a messy environment and that I’m a bit of a neat freak,” you are inviting your partner to try harder to keep things neat. If you label him a slob, he is less likely to cooperate with you.
• Pair a statement of what you appreciate, admire or respect about your partner with a complaint or a request. For most people, criticism is hard to take, but it can be particularly difficult if it undercuts someone’s self-confidence or increases his/her self-doubt. Prefacing a complaint will soften the way it will be received. You might say something like:” I know you try hard to be even-tempered and most of the time I think you do pretty well, but recently I’ve been feeling you’ve been moody and quick to anger with me.”
• Try to accommodate your partner’s sensitivities even if they seem irrational. Are there things you would do or say (or not do and say) if you were specifically attempting to avoid engaging one of your partner’s hot-button issues? Avoid “fighting words.” If telling your partner that you think he’s selfish leads to a huge fight, stop using that word. Describe his actions in some other way. (This does not mean you should do all the accommodating. Each of us has the responsibility to work through our own issues so that the task of solving your problems has not been passed along to your partner.)
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
What sets you off? Are there predictable landmines that trigger fights, arguments or angry outbursts—in your intimate relationship, with your children or with other close people to you? Here are a list of hot-button issues and emotional triggers, many of which come from Ellen Wachtel in her book We Love Each Other, But… (St. Martin’s Griffin). Which of these describe you, your partner or your intimate relationship?
• Do you tend to feel that you are not the number one priority in your partner’s life?
• Do you feel hurt easily?
• Do you like things “just so”? Is it hard for you to see things done the “wrong” way? Is it hard for you to delegate responsibility to someone else?
• Are you afraid of too much closeness or dependency? Do you keep yourself removed, walled off, uninvolved or largely unavailable?
• Do you fear abandonment? Can you easily feel neglected or slighted?
• Do you get jealous easily?
• Do you tend to feel that you are being taken advantage of?
• Are you more critical than you would like to be?
• Do you speak with an edge in your voice when you think your partner should already know something, or when she repeats herself?
• Do you have difficulty relaxing until everything on your day’s “to do” list is accomplished?
• Are you overly sensitive to criticism?
• Do you worry about being controlled?
• Do you push yourself to the point of getting overwhelmed?
• Do you revisit decisions over and over again that have already been made?
• Do you mull over what is bothering you for a long time before expressing your feelings?
• Do you blame or lash out when you are frustrated?
• Are you stubborn?
• Are you moody?
• Do you have trouble admitting to or apologizing when you are wrong?
• Do you interpret your partner’s clutter and mess in the house to mean that s/he does not care about what is important to you?
• Do you feel you give a great deal more than you receive from your partner?
• Do you feel your partner lacks empathy or is unresponsive to your feelings, needs or desires? Do you feel that your partner doesn’t treat your desires as important?
• Do you have poor control over your anger, reactivity, defensiveness, anxiety or fear?
• Do you feel your efforts go unappreciated by your partner?
• Do you feel badly treated or poorly respected by your partner?
• Are you craving more nurturing, friendliness, affection, tenderness or sex?
• Do you feel betrayed?
• Is there secrecy, withholding of personal information or dishonesty in your relationship?
• Are you reluctant to commit?
I will address how to diffuse relationship triggers in next week’s column.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
by Neil Rosenthal
