Let’s argue for a moment that you have certain memories that won’t go away. These memories might be pleasant, disturbing, conflicted or erotic. They may be related to success, failure, embarrassment or about handling a situation poorly. The only truly common theme is that these memories keep coming back to you, re-occurring over and over in your mind. So how do you make sense of memories—sweet or haunting—that simply won’t go away?
The first step is to recognize that many of our memories are there to teach us something, to hold us accountable for handling ourselves better or to require more effective behavior of ourselves in the future. Jefferson A. Singer offers suggestions for understanding memories that won’t go away in his book Memories that Matter (New Harbinger Publications): They are:
• Find a couple of memories from your life where a negative experience became an opportunity for learning. It may be of a personal setback or failure, of a conflict or loss, of shame, embarrassment or humiliation. In each case, ask yourself the question: “This memory has taught me that…” Make sure to look at how the experience helped you learn or changed you for the better. Just doing that will often go a long way in reducing the pain from the memory.
• When you have a memory that won’t go away, but that doesn’t have a lesson that you can identify, try answering the following questions: How would you define the problem? What is causing the tension or the conflict? What feelings do you associate with this struggle? Why do you think the problem has not been resolved? Then try to imagine alternative but realistic resolutions to the memory’s dilemma. When you have found an alternative ending that feels best to you, imagine how it might have changed you, or your subsequent experiences and interactions.
• Find a memory that won’t go away, and ask yourself: “What was I doing before this incident occurred? What will I now do as a result of this incident?”
• Find a memory of you rising to the occasion—where you faced a challenge or adversity and had to summon your inner resources to overcome an obstacle. Memories of this nature can be used to assist other people, including your children—who are discouraged by a setback or a difficult challenge—to gain hope and courage, and to summon their own inner resources to overcome the obstacles in their way.
• Identify a memory that expresses regret or a feeling of having missed the mark. Write down all the details, thoughts and concerns associated with the memory. Also write down any of the following statements that apply: “Under the circumstances I did the best that I could. I am only human and am allowed to make mistakes. I meant well, even if the end result did not end up as I wished. This incident does not capture all of who I am. I have punished myself enough for what went wrong. I cannot change the past and therefore must let go.” Sit quietly and reflect on the memory and the words of release that you have written down. Repeat the words of release several times (example: “I cannot change the past and therefore must let go.”)
Every one of your memories is a metaphor that reflects meaning. It may be asking you to learn something, to alter some behavior or to hold yourself accountable for doing better in the future. Individuals who possess the ability to step back from—and reflect on the lessons from their life experiences—are far more likely to gain wisdom and be at greater peace with themselves.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
Dear Neil: Do you know what it means when someone has recurring—almost haunting—memories? There are a variety of mistakes I’ve made in my life, or faux pas, or decisions I’ve made that were either costly or embarrassing. Almost all of these embarrassments are in the past, but they keep coming back to me in my memory, and therefore I keep reliving events, missteps or slip-ups that I’d rather not think about any longer. It’s as if my mind won’t let me forget my mistakes. But why? Is there anything I can do about this, or am I doomed to wallow in my misjudgments or blunders until I die?
-Trying to Overcome in California
Dear California: We continue to recall painful memories in order to hold ourselves accountable for doing better if we were to encounter the same situation again. If we don’t grasp what the memory is trying to teach us, however, or we don’t understand what we are supposed to learn or do differently, we can wind up stuck in negative, helpless or embarrassed feelings over and over again.
“If you are someone who is very concerned about your relationships and making connections with other people, you are likely to have more emotional memories about relationships and intimacy,” says Jefferson A. Singer in his book Memories That Matter (New Harbinger Publications). He continues: “If you are someone concerned with achievement and getting ahead, your memories are more likely to contain emotional scenes filled with images of success and power. If you are someone concerned with making the world a better place and contributing to society, your memories are more likely to contain themes of helping others and social justice. And the more dominant any of these motives or goals are in your life, the more these memories will matter to you. Of course, emotion about these memories works both ways. If you are an achievement-driven person, then a memory about a previous failure will continue to generate great sadness and disappointment in you.”
Singer calls these “self-defining memories.” They are defined as those memories that keep their emotional power because they are linked to goals and desires that are still very important to us. They help you to define how you see yourself and who the real you is. You can distinguish them from other memories because self-defining memories are related to our most important goals and our most central aspirations.
If you’d like to understand what these memories mean, and how you might be able to learn and grow from them, Singer recommends the following exercise: Write down ten different self-defining memories that are at least one year old and that still evoke strong feelings in you today. Use the following list to identify what you feel about each of your ten memories, and rank them from 0 (Not at All) to 6 (Extremely):
Now look over your memories and the emotions associated with them. Do you see any recurring patterns that could constitute a life script or an unresolved issue in your life? Are your memories generally more positive or negative? Are they filled with anger and guilt, pride and embarrassment? Are your memories more about success, failure, relationships or family? Do you see themes of overcoming adversity, rising to the occasion, bouncing back or learning from a mistake or a disappointment?
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
When a plane flies cross country, it uses a navigation system that helps it stay on its flight path. If the plane deviates from the flight path, the navigation system alerts the pilot that the plane has strayed from its course. Similarly, when you get depressed, perhaps your mind—or heart or spirit—is warning you that you have veered too far off your own path and that you need to reconsider what you are doing with how you’re spending your life.
Depression can be profoundly painful, but it can also be a signal to stop and reevaluate what we are doing with our lives. It provides us with an opportunity to question our priorities, to reassess how we are spending time, to reconsider how we are behaving toward the people we care about, to challenge ourselves to be healthier, to make changes or to heal ourselves. That is the premise of Lara Honos-Webb in her book Listening to Depression (New Harbinger Publications). She says: “The pain of depression drives you to search for the deeper meaning of your life. First depression stops you in your tracks, making it difficult for you to continue with your current life. Then your depression makes you agonize about what you should do with your life. In this way, it sets you on the path of greater meaning.”
Honos-Webb offers a series of steps you can take to explore the meaning behind your depression and what it may be asking you to do:
• Write on a sheet of paper: “What is stopping me from healing my depression?” (Examples: “I’m too tired to help myself; my problems are too big; I don’t have the energy to break out of this rut; I don’t have the resources to get the right help.”)
• Now write how you might be wrong about what’s stopping you from healing your depression. (Examples: “Maybe I do have energy sometimes; maybe I could solve some of my problems; what if I did have some answers to my problems, what would they be?”
• One of the symptoms of depression is that it keeps you focused on the bad things in your life and it often prevents you from seeing the positive things. You may be depressed, but that is not all that you are. What else are you? What strengths do you have that the depression has not overshadowed?
• Complete the following sentences by listing as many answers as you can: “I am depressed, but one resource for helping me through the depression is…. One quality about myself that will help me through this depression is…. Even though I am depressed, I will not fall back on the self-destructive habit of …to cope with this depression. The family members, friends and professionals that will be most helpful in helping me cope with this depression are ….The things I can do that will help me cope with this depression are….”
• Write “The Gifts of Depression” at the top of a blank page. Give yourself a half hour to reflect and write about how your depression could be a gift; how it could be meaningful in your life. (Example: The depression may force you to let go of a job, a career or a relationship that you are unhappy with and unfulfilled in. It may slow you down, or assist you in reevaluating the direction your life is heading, or force you to deal with memories or feelings you’ve been trying to avoid.) Then write: “I don’t like this depression, but if it were serving a purpose in my life, it might be….This depression has forced me to…. If it were not for this depression, one thing in my life that would be different is…. Although I hate to admit it, one good thing about my depression is….”
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
Posted
on February 17th, 2010 | category: Intimacy
Dear Neil: We don’t know how to have a discussion in our marriage. My husband thinks he should be able to make a proposal, but he gets upset when I disagree with something he’s said—which means we either fight or I go along with him. But either way, I have no chance of saying what I would like. -Not Able to Talk in New Zealand
Dear New Zealand: A healthy discussion consists of a conversation that allows for at least two points of view, and it requires a respectful attitude toward a viewpoint different from your own. It’s next to impossible to have a healthy discussion with someone who insists that everything has to be his way, and who doesn’t express interest in what you think or feel.
Try this out. Tell your husband you’d like to have a conversation, name the issue and then say you’d like to talk first. Ask him to listen to everything you have to say, with no interruptions, dismissing gestures, anger or arguing. Ask him to just be a good listener, even if he disagrees with you. Then, as you talk, frequently request that he paraphrase back what he thinks you’re saying. If he receives what you’re trying to say correctly, say so. If he isn’t correct, try saying the idea again, but this time shorter and using different words—and again ask him to paraphrase back to you what he hears. When you have said everything you want, make whatever proposals you deem appropriate. He doesn’t have to agree with you, he just has to listen and demonstrate that he gets what you’re trying to say. Then it becomes his turn to talk and your turn to listen and paraphrase back what you hear.
If you make this one change in your marriage, you’ll both feel heard in a conversation. Even if you disagree with each other, and even if you can’t come to a compromise, the discussion (and therefore your marriage) remains civil and respectful, and you don’t injure the love between you.
Dear Neil: My boyfriend and I have been arguing every day, and he’s been edgy with me. He used to make me feel very loved and wanted. He tells me he loves me, but he’s not showing it. When I try to talk with him about it, he just blows up, and says he doesn’t want to discuss it. What should I do? Help. -About to Give Up in New Mexico
Dear New Mexico: Ask your boyfriend for a conversation about what he would like different in his relationship with you. Ask him to be very specific and concrete. If you can grant his requests without violating yourself, do so and see what happens. It is then appropriate to tell him that you want some changes in the relationship yourself. Be very specific in asking for what you want to be different.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
Dear Neil: I have been married for 32 years. My wife wants nothing to do with me, and for the past two years has been sleeping in another room. She gives me the silent treatment until I can’t stand it anymore. It’s been more than a year since we’ve had any intimacy or have even held hands. A year ago she got a job and now spends 12 to 14 hours a day at work. We have almost no contact with our friends, and we do virtually nothing together. Please help. I love my wife very much. – Holding Out in Houston
Dear Houston: It is unclear from your letter why your wife has withdrawn from you, but it’s clear that she has. It is also clear that she is very angry with you, because to live the way you’re describing sounds very punishing.
So the first step is simply to acknowledge that you are deeply hurt, that you feel very rejected, that you would like to understand why she is so angry, withdrawn and cold to you—and promise her that you will listen to her and will not argue, interrupt, get angry or respond until she is completely finished. Ask her this on a day when you know she has free time. If she says that this is not a good time, ask her to give you a better time for the conversation , but tell her that the conversation is very important to you.
When the conversation occurs, honor your agreement and listen to her wholly and fully. I am assuming she has grievances against you that she will air, some of which may have happened a long time ago. Listen to everything—large and small—because they are driving her withdrawal from you. After she finishes, offer her as much compassion and empathy as you can. Do this even if you feel your wife was hurtful, unfair or wrong.
Then ask her what you could do now that would ease her pain or help her reduce her anger. Whatever she asks, if it’s at all humanly possible for you to do it, agree to do it, and do it well. You’re wishing to make amends in order to soften her resentment. After she finishes, ask her if there’s anything else that’s bugging her. Then tell her that you miss her terribly, and ask what it would take for her to be willing to come back to you—emotionally, physically and in spirit.
If she responds with more requests of you, do them. If she responds by saying that there’s nothing you can do, that she’s not going to come back to you regardless of what you now do—she very likely means it.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
by Neil Rosenthal
