by: Neil Rosenthal 

 

Among all the frustrations of

growing up with a narcissistic parent, one paradox

is that although a narcissist strives

to feel important, loved, powerful,

in control, superior and omnipotent-

–hand-in-hand with those feelings

lie the polar opposite feelings—of

feeling unsafe, worthless, inferior,

fearful, anxious and unloved. In part,

as a cover for the negative feelings,

the narcissist criticizes and blames

you, demands that you meet his/her

expectations or needs, attempts to

control what you do and say, expects

you to drop everything in order to

tend to him /her and makes you feel

it’s impossible to consistently please

him or her.

 

The defense that many people

learn in order to protect themselves is

to withdraw emotionally and/or physically. They put up a wall, or in some

other way shut themselves off. This

defense—which kept you insulated

from a self-absorbed and demanding

parent—is destined to hurt or destroy

your adult intimate relationships, because a love relationship requires you

to engage, not withdraw or detach.

 

People that grow up with a narcissistic parent may be wary of allowing

anyone to get too close, for fear that

someone else will do the same thing

to you that occurred when you were

growing up, says Nina Brown in the

book Children of the Self-Absorbed

(New Harbinger Publications).

 

Further, she continues, you may have

under-developed empathy for other

people, because the very defenses we

use to escape the onslaught and demands of a narcissistic parent become

barriers to opening ourselves up to

someone else’s feelings and needs as

an adult.

 

Needless to say, creating and

maintaining a healthy intimate love

relationship requires you to overcome

childhood defenses so you can be

fully open, present and emotionally available for another. There’s no

magic in a relationship if one of us

thwarts connection, responds with

little or no empathy or won’t let the

other person get very close.

 

The lack of a satisfying intimate

relationship is only one consequence

of growing up with a narcissistic parent. Other consequences may include

feeling a lack of purpose or meaning

in life; relationship problems with

family, friends or at work; lack of selfconfidence; and feeling incompetent,

flawed, isolated or alienated—to

name a few.

 

So what can you do? Brown

recommends that you choose one or

two goals from the following list—

and challenge yourself to master the

task: allowing yourself to be aware of

what you truly feel; expressing those

feelings; not doing something just

to please someone else; developing

recreational interests and activities;

developing a network of social

support; taking good care of your

physical self; cultivating meaningful

relationships; reaching out and giving to others; involving yourself in

creative endeavors and staying open

to someone’s emotions or strong

feelings without emotionally or

physically checking out.

 

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed

marriage and family therapist in

the Denver and Boulder, CO areas,

specializing in how people strengthen

their intimate relationships. He can

be reached at 303.758.8777.