by: Neil Rosenthal 

 

Among all the frustrations of

growing up with a narcissistic parent, one paradox

is that although a narcissist strives

to feel important, loved, powerful,

in control, superior and omnipotent-

–hand-in-hand with those feelings

lie the polar opposite feelings—of

feeling unsafe, worthless, inferior,

fearful, anxious and unloved. In part,

as a cover for the negative feelings,

the narcissist criticizes and blames

you, demands that you meet his/her

expectations or needs, attempts to

control what you do and say, expects

you to drop everything in order to

tend to him /her and makes you feel

it’s impossible to consistently please

him or her.

 

The defense that many people

learn in order to protect themselves is

to withdraw emotionally and/or physically. They put up a wall, or in some

other way shut themselves off. This

defense—which kept you insulated

from a self-absorbed and demanding

parent—is destined to hurt or destroy

your adult intimate relationships, because a love relationship requires you

to engage, not withdraw or detach.

 

People that grow up with a narcissistic parent may be wary of allowing

anyone to get too close, for fear that

someone else will do the same thing

to you that occurred when you were

growing up, says Nina Brown in the

book Children of the Self-Absorbed

(New Harbinger Publications).

 

Further, she continues, you may have

under-developed empathy for other

people, because the very defenses we

use to escape the onslaught and demands of a narcissistic parent become

barriers to opening ourselves up to

someone else’s feelings and needs as

an adult.

 

Needless to say, creating and

maintaining a healthy intimate love

relationship requires you to overcome

childhood defenses so you can be

fully open, present and emotionally available for another. There’s no

magic in a relationship if one of us

thwarts connection, responds with

little or no empathy or won’t let the

other person get very close.

 

The lack of a satisfying intimate

relationship is only one consequence

of growing up with a narcissistic parent. Other consequences may include

feeling a lack of purpose or meaning

in life; relationship problems with

family, friends or at work; lack of selfconfidence; and feeling incompetent,

flawed, isolated or alienated—to

name a few.

 

So what can you do? Brown

recommends that you choose one or

two goals from the following list—

and challenge yourself to master the

task: allowing yourself to be aware of

what you truly feel; expressing those

feelings; not doing something just

to please someone else; developing

recreational interests and activities;

developing a network of social

support; taking good care of your

physical self; cultivating meaningful

relationships; reaching out and giving to others; involving yourself in

creative endeavors and staying open

to someone’s emotions or strong

feelings without emotionally or

physically checking out.

 

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed

marriage and family therapist in

the Denver and Boulder, CO areas,

specializing in how people strengthen

their intimate relationships. He can

be reached at 303.758.8777.

By: Bryan Golden

Too often we underestimate

the power of a touch, a

smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or

the smallest act of caring, all of

which have the potential to turn a

life around.” — Leo Buscaglia

 

What does it mean to be a caring

person? Are you one? A caring

person is sensitive to the needs and

feelings of others. It’s not enough to

feel you care, you have to be willing

to take some action that can help

another to feel better.

 

Those who are overly self absorbed are not able to care about

others. They are too concerned

about their own circumstances to be

aware of anyone else. Self-absorbed

people often feel life is a contest

where they have to vie against others

for a piece of a limited pie.

This outlook is substantially

flawed. There is more than enough

for everyone. Life offers unlimited

abundance. However, self-absorbed

people will constantly struggle to

achieve their goals, if they achieve

them at all.

 

When you care about others,

rather than being wrapped up in

yourself, you attract more of what

you want as a result of helping others.

Caring people tend to be happier,

more content, and more successful

compared to those who are only

concerned about themselves.

 

Does it matter if people care

about you? Although it’s nice when

it happens, if it doesn’t, it shouldn’t

matter. It’s tempting to feel that you

will care about others only after they

care about you. The question then is

who will start caring first? Caring

isn’t a response, it is a cause. When

you care, others will care about you.

 

The people who care about you may

not be the same as the ones you care

about. But it doesn’t matter.

Should you only be caring when

it’s convenient, or is it worth the

effort to be caring even if it requires

some sacrifice? People who genuinely care, do so regardless of the

energy required. Caring isn’t linked

to convenience. Rather, it’s based on

someone’s need.

 

How can you show how you

care? There is no gesture too small.

As the opening quote so aptly states,

there is amazing power in a touch,

smile, kind word, or sincere compliment. Something that may seem

insignificant to you can have a major

impact on the life of another.

 

A caring gesture, at the right moment, regardless of how simple, will

seem like a gift from God to the

recipient. In return, there is nothing

more satisfying than knowing you

have made a difference to someone

else.

NOW AVAILABLE: Dare to

Live Without Limits, the book. Visit

www.BryanGolden.com or your

bookstore. Bryan is a management

consultant, motivational speaker,

author and adjunct professor.

 

Email Bryan at bryan@columnist.com.