by: Neil Rosenthal
Among all the frustrations of
growing up with a narcissistic parent, one paradox
is that although a narcissist strives
to feel important, loved, powerful,
in control, superior and omnipotent-
–hand-in-hand with those feelings
lie the polar opposite feelings—of
feeling unsafe, worthless, inferior,
fearful, anxious and unloved. In part,
as a cover for the negative feelings,
the narcissist criticizes and blames
you, demands that you meet his/her
expectations or needs, attempts to
control what you do and say, expects
you to drop everything in order to
tend to him /her and makes you feel
it’s impossible to consistently please
him or her.
The defense that many people
learn in order to protect themselves is
to withdraw emotionally and/or physically. They put up a wall, or in some
other way shut themselves off. This
defense—which kept you insulated
from a self-absorbed and demanding
parent—is destined to hurt or destroy
your adult intimate relationships, because a love relationship requires you
to engage, not withdraw or detach.
People that grow up with a narcissistic parent may be wary of allowing
anyone to get too close, for fear that
someone else will do the same thing
to you that occurred when you were
growing up, says Nina Brown in the
book Children of the Self-Absorbed
(New Harbinger Publications).
Further, she continues, you may have
under-developed empathy for other
people, because the very defenses we
use to escape the onslaught and demands of a narcissistic parent become
barriers to opening ourselves up to
someone else’s feelings and needs as
an adult.
Needless to say, creating and
maintaining a healthy intimate love
relationship requires you to overcome
childhood defenses so you can be
fully open, present and emotionally available for another. There’s no
magic in a relationship if one of us
thwarts connection, responds with
little or no empathy or won’t let the
other person get very close.
The lack of a satisfying intimate
relationship is only one consequence
of growing up with a narcissistic parent. Other consequences may include
feeling a lack of purpose or meaning
in life; relationship problems with
family, friends or at work; lack of selfconfidence; and feeling incompetent,
flawed, isolated or alienated—to
name a few.
So what can you do? Brown
recommends that you choose one or
two goals from the following list—
and challenge yourself to master the
task: allowing yourself to be aware of
what you truly feel; expressing those
feelings; not doing something just
to please someone else; developing
recreational interests and activities;
developing a network of social
support; taking good care of your
physical self; cultivating meaningful
relationships; reaching out and giving to others; involving yourself in
creative endeavors and staying open
to someone’s emotions or strong
feelings without emotionally or
physically checking out.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed
marriage and family therapist in
the Denver and Boulder, CO areas,
specializing in how people strengthen
their intimate relationships. He can
be reached at 303.758.8777.
Posted on December 30th, 2011 | category: Intimacy
