by Bryan Golden

Your thoughts affect what you do, how you act, the kind of person you are, how you feel, and what you attract.  Your thoughts can either solve problems or create them.  Regardless of what your thoughts are, they are within your control.

Even the most positive, proactive person can have negative thoughts.  A normally upbeat, happy individual will have off days.  Although you chose your thoughts, there are thoughts that seem to pop into your head on their own.

How do you select the most desirable thoughts?  What do you do when you have unwanted ones?  Start by concentrating on what you want rather than what you don’t want.  In every area of your life, there is something you want.  Aspects of your personality, material desires, lifestyle goals, and how you want to feel are all impacted by how you think.

For each of your objectives, gear your thoughts to obtaining what you want versus avoiding that which you don’t want.  If having more money is a desired outcome, you want to think about earning enough for your needs rather than trying to avoid bankruptcy.  Perhaps you want to be more organized.  Picture yourself as an organized person instead of thinking you have to stop being unorganized.

Thinking about what you want to accomplish is far more effective than thoughts of what you want to avoid.  You already use this approach in many aspects of your life.  When going to work each day you think about what you have to get done rather than attempting to just make it through the day without getting fired.

In your car, your purpose is reaching a specific destination rather than thinking about not driving off the road.  When you sit down for a meal, you think about enjoying your food rather than not choking.  Since your thoughts about daily routines are already outcome based, it’s not that hard to apply the same approach to major goals.

When negative thoughts pop into your head, as will happen, is something amiss?  Don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong.  Negative thoughts are normal.  There is no problem with you.  Fighting these unwanted thoughts won’t keep them away.  You have to replace them with other, more desirable thoughts.

Suppose you are on your way to a job interview.  You really want the job and feel you will be a good fit for the position.  While waiting to be called in for the interview, you start worrying about being unable to answer the questions well.  You become nervous and try to force the unwanted thoughts out.  A better approach is to change your thoughts to something positive.  So focus on how well you will come across and how impressive you will sound.

Your thoughts are your own.  They may be influenced by other people or events, but the final responsibility for them is yours.  If you don’t like what you think about, make changes.  Don’t make excuses.  Develop a constant awareness of what you are thinking about.  This allows you to make adjustments as needed.

NOW AVAILABLE: “Dare to Live Without Limits,” the book.  Visit www.BryanGolden.com or your bookstore. Bryan is a management consultant, motivational speaker, author, and adjunct professor. E-mail Bryan at bryan@columnist.com or write him c/o this paper.

© Bryan Golden

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by Neil Rosenthal

Dear Neil: My boyfriend confuses me. He can get very sharp with me: critical, judgment and easy to anger when offended. At times, he gets irritated and very critical at what feels to me like minor infractions, and he can get quite verbally hard on me for making even a small mistake.

So why does he get so offended, defensive, angry and shut down when I call him on his negative behavior? Recently I told him I thought he was intolerant, arrogant and hurtful for getting sharp with me too often, and he responded with anger, defensiveness and checking out from me the rest of that day. On other occasions he has gotten extremely sensitive to even a hint of disapproval from me. What gives? What is he doing? Why does he give criticism so readily, and find taking criticism so hard to handle?  Is there anything I can do about this before I leave him?

- Had It in Vail

Dear Vail: You’re describing someone who has a severe narcissistic injury. Here’s how it works. If someone has very low self-esteem, they’re going to be extremely sensitive to any form of critique, correction, criticism or admonishment—even if what you say is meant constructively, and even if it’s 100 percent true.

Your boyfriend may feel humiliated, embarrassed, exposed or degraded by criticism, because he may have constructed a façade of perfection or superiority in order to protect himself from other people’s harsh judgments of him. But if you break through the façade with an unflattering critique, then he may feel defenseless, and the only self-protection he may have left is to respond with sharp anger, counter-criticism, withdrawal, payback or rage. This is why people who can’t take criticism are often the very ones who dish it out.

This behavior originates in childhood. If a child is invalidated a lot or is made to chronically feel inadequate or not good enough, as an adult, he may defend against such feelings by constructing a shield around himself where he won’t tolerate criticism or accept negative judgment coming from virtually anyone, for any reason.

But by using this defense, your boyfriend is essentially stopping you from sharing yourself, from communicating, from airing your grievances or from telling him when you’re unhappy with him. The likely effect this will have over time is to distance the two of you from each other, because it will shut down the connection (and therefore the closeness) between the two of you. To be intimate requires us to regularly air our feelings, concerns, needs, desires and requests of each other.

If no one intervenes to stop this pattern, his defense may well become the eventual downfall of your relationship. You could address this issue head on with your boyfriend but his defensiveness is likely a life-long response which he may be barely aware of because he’s so used to it. Thus, it is unlikely that he will break this knee-jerk response without professional assistance and guidance.

It would help if the two of you entered couple’s counseling and learned more effective ways of working through conflicts, disagreements and hurt emotions more effectively.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.

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Charles “Chuck” Royce, owner, Ocean House, tells Alexis Ann, editor & publisher, the Resident, the Ocean House is “sunny all the time, whether you are inside or out.”

by Alexis Ann

In the United States, Flag Day is celebrated on June 14th to commemorate the official adoption of The Stars and Stripes. Congratulations to Stan Cardinal, president and owner, Cardinal Honda, Groton, for starting the Cardinal Honda Flag Loaner Program.  Stan’s unique concept makes flags available at no cost. Raise the flag here.

On the wings of an angel is what Angela Olsen, Resident reporter, experienced during her trip with Angel Flight pilot Pierre Wicker. This Angel Flight was a medical compassion maneuver, with a lift off in Groton, for a patient pickup in Boston and a return flight to her home in Maine. Read about Where Angels Dwell here.

Congratulations are also due to Chief Ken Richards, Old Mystic Fire Department, who was honored  for the department’s work and dedication during the flood. Michael Cardillo, owner, The Old Mystic Inn, and Vickey L’Homme, owner, The Pizza Grille, joined forces to show their admiration and gratitude.  More here.

What a success! AngelRide 2010 sported 300 cyclists, raising an incredible amount of money bringing the total to over $325,000.  AngelRide was founded by Lynn McCarthy and Fred Brooke to raise money for local resident, Angel Uihelein, who was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of 11. See here for this amazing endeavor and to learn how you can make a donation.

Congratulations to Charles “Chuck” Royce and his partners for the grand rebirth of the Ocean House, commemorated by a ribbon cutting ceremony on May 20th. Great care was taken to recreate the classic Victorian-era style of the original hotel. A Great Gatsby 2010 Era begins here.

 Thanks for reading the Resident, the Good News that Rocks! Please remember to patronize our advertisers as they’re helping to make the “good news” happen.

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