Dear Neil: I have been married for 32 years. My wife wants nothing to do with me, and for the past two years has been sleeping in another room. She gives me the silent treatment until I can’t stand it anymore. It’s been more than a year since we’ve had any intimacy or have even held hands. A year ago she got a job and now spends 12 to 14 hours a day at work. We have almost no contact with our friends, and we do virtually nothing together. Please help. I love my wife very much. – Holding Out in Houston
Dear Houston: It is unclear from your letter why your wife has withdrawn from you, but it’s clear that she has. It is also clear that she is very angry with you, because to live the way you’re describing sounds very punishing.
So the first step is simply to acknowledge that you are deeply hurt, that you feel very rejected, that you would like to understand why she is so angry, withdrawn and cold to you—and promise her that you will listen to her and will not argue, interrupt, get angry or respond until she is completely finished. Ask her this on a day when you know she has free time. If she says that this is not a good time, ask her to give you a better time for the conversation , but tell her that the conversation is very important to you.
When the conversation occurs, honor your agreement and listen to her wholly and fully. I am assuming she has grievances against you that she will air, some of which may have happened a long time ago. Listen to everything—large and small—because they are driving her withdrawal from you. After she finishes, offer her as much compassion and empathy as you can. Do this even if you feel your wife was hurtful, unfair or wrong.
Then ask her what you could do now that would ease her pain or help her reduce her anger. Whatever she asks, if it’s at all humanly possible for you to do it, agree to do it, and do it well. You’re wishing to make amends in order to soften her resentment. After she finishes, ask her if there’s anything else that’s bugging her. Then tell her that you miss her terribly, and ask what it would take for her to be willing to come back to you—emotionally, physically and in spirit.
If she responds with more requests of you, do them. If she responds by saying that there’s nothing you can do, that she’s not going to come back to you regardless of what you now do—she very likely means it.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.
Follow registered and licensed dietitian Susan Burke March’ tips on how to lose weight and keep it off.
Dieting is an extremely personal activity, and the one-size-fits-all approach rarely produces successful results. To help health seekers choose the best diet program to meet their unique needs, registered and licensed dietitian Susan Burke March, author of “Making Weight Control Second Nature: Living Thin Naturally,” offers these tips on how to select a plan.
1. Food Preferences: Choose a program that features the foods you enjoy. If you feel deprived, you won’t stick with it over the long haul. It’s all about modification. If you love cereal and grains, a low carb approach is not the best way to get started on your weight loss program. Portion control is the secret to weight loss and maintenance.
2. Adequate Calories: Most women need a minimum of 1300-1400 calories-and men approximately 1600-just to cover basic metabolic functions, and more when you incorporate more activity and muscle building exercises. Avoid very low calorie diets as, although you may experience quick weight loss, experts say that the quicker you lose it, the quicker you put it back on. Slow, gradual weight reduction-about one to two pounds a week-is more likely to be permanent.
3. Fads: Avoid programs that require eating certain foods with other foods, such as, “Only eat fruit after meals, never with protein,” or other such unscientific recommendations. Very low carb diets produce quick and dramatic weight loss, but are not intended to be sustained over the long term. If you choose a “branded” diet, be sure to follow the instructions and not set your own rules.
4. Meal Patterns and Mealtimes: How do you like to eat? Respect your personal preferences, and your internal clock. Some people do fine with the traditional three meals daily, but I find that eating smaller meals more frequently helps dieters maintain energy and avoid the highs that follow big meals and lows from too many hours in between. A good strategy is to take something from each meal to eat a couple of hours later, such as a cup of nonfat yogurt or a turkey rollup (a slice of turkey breast rolled up with tomato and lettuce).
5. Preparation: Dieting is hard enough. Don’t choose a recipe-based plan if you don’t have time to cook. The right plan suits your lifestyle. Meal replacements are ideal for portion control, and many successful weight maintainers use them consistently. Use quick cereals, individual portions of yogurt, and frozen entrees-they’re balanced and nutritious and don’t require too much planning or prep.
6. Balanced Nutrition: Choose a program that includes a variety of foods so you don’t become bored and lose your motivation to continue. High fiber vegetables, whole grains, lean protein, and healthy, monounsaturated fat (from olive oil and fatty fish) are the ingredients of a healthy diet that you can maintain permanently.
7. Budget: An important consideration, because some plans are very economical and others are more expensive to maintain. The most flexible and frugal is the recipe-type plan. Learn all you can about nutrition and replace any item in your menu with one that’s on sale. Economize by purchasing large-sized portions of fish, vegetables, chicken, or fruit. Pre-portioned prepared foods are more expensive, but for some, it’s worth the price to enjoy the convenience and portion control.
8. Support: Support helps keep you on track and motivates you to reach your weight goal. Commit to meeting with an expert, a coach, a group, or a friend- especially at the beginning of your behavioral change. Support may be face-to-face, or sign up for a free or fee-based online program. It’s BEST to commit to a scheduled meeting time or, better yet, a program that lasts at least 12 weeks with a continuing maintenance program. A face-to-face consultation with a registered dietitian who will stay in touch by phone or email is the best game plan.
9. Maintenance: Once you’re at your goal, it’s ideal to stay with the program you used for a year, modifying it to add variety so you may fully adopt your new healthy behaviors. The best program transitions to a maintenance program once you reach your weight goal.
Diet program components should always include:
• Self Monitoring
• Cognitive Restructuring
• Stimulus Control
• Stress Management and Problem Solving
• Physical Activity
• Relapse Prevention
Ultimately, the secret ingredient in “Making Weight Control Second Nature: Living Thin Naturally” is the revelation that being thin and healthy, eating what you like yet liking yourself, and controlling your weight without fixating on it for the rest of your life is not about natural gifts, but about the gift of knowing how.
Special appeal to address needs of Haitian children To Help “Rebuild Schools, Restore Hope”
Governor M. Jodi Rell and the Connecticut Association of Schools (CAS) today announced a special fund-raising appeal from Connecticut schoolchildren and their parents for Haitian relief efforts that will address the needs of Haitian children.
“The outpouring of concern and willingness of Connecticut citizens to help is very moving,” Governor Rell said. “So many in Connecticut have been profoundly touched by the images of the Haitian children, particularly those who have been orphaned or injured and are asking how they can help. We have a way. My office has worked with Connecticut school officials to establish a charitable campaign for the children of Haiti.
Funds raised will be targeted to help rebuild schools, provide educational supplies as well as medicine and health care for children.
“Thousands of Haitian children are suffering because of the devastating earthquake. Some have lost one or both parents. Many have had their homes and schools destroyed and face an uncertain and terrifying future. Schoolchildren in Connecticut have an opportunity to make a difference by supporting efforts that will help rebuild schools and restore hope for the Haitian children. If we can provide some measure of comfort during this terrifying time in their young lives, we should,” Governor Rell said.
The Governor’s office worked with CAS to set up a special account through the Bank of America in Connecticut to accept monetary donations, checks, cash and even coins. The bank has agreed to sort and roll the coins at no charge.
Checks can be made payable to the “Connecticut Association of Schools” with a notation on the check memo line identifying “Haitian Relief Fund.” Children, their parents and others who want to help this special effort may bring their monetary donation to participating local schools or to a Bank of America branch.
CAS, which represents 1,100 public and private schools, and the Governor’s office have worked together in the past for similar school-wide appeals, including a 2005 campaign to raise funds for school supplies for children affected by Hurricane Katrina in the Gulf states.
Hundreds of thousands of children in Haiti had faced dire conditions in the impoverished island nation long before the earthquake. The United Nations estimated there were 380,000 children living in orphanages or group homes, having lost parents to tropical storms and deadly floods over the past decade.
“They desperately need our help more than ever,” Governor Rell said. “Through their tears and cries, they have to know that there is hope, that the world cares.”
Governor M. Jodi Rell today announced she has informed the U.S. Health and Human Services (HHS) that Connecticut’s mobile hospital – one of only a handful in the nation – can be deployed to assist in the Haitian relief efforts should the federal government need it.
In a letter to HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius on Friday, the Governor said the state-of-the-art 100-bed unit can be transported in 25-bed sections. Further, the Governor said the state’s rapid-response Disaster Medical Assistance Team (CT-DMAT) could staff the hospital should the team be activated.
“Our nation is leading one of the largest relief efforts in history and Connecticut stands ready to help in any way possible,” Governor Rell said. “Our mobile hospital is designed to provide triage and treatment in the event of a public health disaster and we have well-trained medical disaster specialists who can staff the facility.”
The Governor said that both the mobile hospital and CT-DMAT would be sent to Haiti only if officially requested by the federal government. Any costs associated with the deployment would be paid for with federal funds.
“On behalf of the State of Connecticut, I thank you and your department for all your efforts to provide relief to the people of Haiti who have been devastated by this natural disaster,” the Governor wrote.
The state’s mobile hospital – the Ottilie W. Lundgren Memorial Field Hospital, named after a Connecticut victim of the 2001 anthrax attack – is multi-functional and complete with electricity, water, heat and air conditioning. It is deployable as a flexible configuration of 25 bed units that can be operated jointly or independently of one another. The $8.25 million hospital, began operating in 2006, and was funded with a combination of state and federal funds. It can be erected and staffed within hours of an emergency.
The CT-DMAT is composed of 120 members and is a part of the National Disaster Medical System (NDMS). The team provides emergency care during emergencies and was established in 2002. Team members are trained in a variety of specialties unique to disaster situations and are able to function in hazardous situations.
More information on how to help with Haitian relief efforts can be found at: www.ct.gov.
Members of Israel’s Consulate in New York have landed in Haiti in order to help coordinate Israel’s relief effort. An Israeli field hospital has arrived and is being established near the Port-au-Prince airport on the soccer field located between Route Jeans-Jacques Dessalines and Route de Delmas in the Chancerelles neighborhood of Port-au-Prince, Haiti.
The Israeli relief effort consists of teams from Magen David Adam (Israel’s Red Cross), Israel Police, rescue units, a medical staff of 120.
The Home Front Command Field Hospital can handle 500 patients a day, and will include operating rooms and maternity facilities. Nearly every hospital in Haiti was destroyed in Tuesday’s earthquake.
The IDF’s chief medical officer, Brig. Gen. Nachman Esh, said that while the field hospital will largely treat trauma patients, similar to those encountered in a war, specialists in various other fields have also been sent.
“We expect to have to deal mainly with trauma cases, but when we arrive there, we also expect to encounter the secondary wave of infections and diseases, as well as the routine cases that the local hospitals would usually deal with,” Brig. Gen. Esh said.
“Our decision to immediately dispatch a large delegation of doctors, nurses, medics, rescue forces as well as drugs and medical equipment to Haiti expresses the deep values which have characterized the Jewish people and the State of Israel throughout history,” Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said.
“I walked around the capital’s streets, and it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. There is impalpable hardship and anarchy. No one knows who’s running the country. There are thousands of people laying on the road, and dozens of bodies in every street corner,” said Amos Radian, Israeli Ambassador to the Dominican Republic, Haiti, Saint Christopher and Nevis, Jamaica, Saint Lucia, Dominica, Antigua and Barbuda, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines and Grenada.
For more information and to speak with representatives of Israel’s relief team in Haiti, please call Ambassador Radian directly at 011-881-631-575-508. Ambassador Radian is fluent in English, Spanish, French, Hebrew, Italian, and Hungarian.
To speak to an Israeli diplomat stateside regarding Israel’s efforts in Haiti, please contact Keren Gelfand at 312-593-2535 or kereng@newyork.mfa.gov.il.
by Neil Rosenthal
