by Neil Rosenthal

Note: This is the second of a two-part series.

Let’s say you love someone, are bonded together and you desire nothing more than being able to live happily ever after with each other. But daily life stressors and pressures. past baggage, hurt feelings, poor communication, anger, mean-spirited words or behaviors, disagreements and withdrawal all conspire to hinder or to completely stop the two of you from feeling happy and loving toward each other. What can you do to get things warm, close and intimate again?

A lot, as it turns out. You could:

•    Become much better at empathy. Empathy is the ability to enter into another person’s world of feelings. That means that issues and problems get a respectful hearing, that feelings and emotions are honored and valued, and that no one attempts to bully or intimidate in order to get their way. It also means that you learn to tune into your partners emotional state, and stay tuned in.
•    Do everything you can to connect on a deep emotional level, and stay connected on that level.
•    Let your partner know that you believe in him/her, and why. Make sure you clearly communicate what you like about the other person (especially as it relates to his/her personality traits), what s/he does right (you’re likely very good at letting your partner know what s/he does wrong) and what you respect about him/her. Express confidence in him/her whenever you authentically can.
•    Address your expectations about chores, finances, sex, major decisions, children and child rearing, neatness vs. sloppiness, cleanliness and lifestyle preferences. Who’s going to do what? How are family matters expected to be handled?
•    Talk about your goals in life and what you want to experience or accomplish, both as a separate individual and as a couple.
•    Be more affectionate more often. I’m not referring to sexual affection, which may or may not always be received well. I’m referring to nonsexual touch, which almost always warms things up.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com.

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