If you grew up with a narcissistic parent – either your mother or your father – you did not have a parent who was consistently there for you and available to meet your needs. As a result, you have likely had a difficult time in your adult intimate relationships feeling comfortable with being close, with trusting, feeling safe, knowing how you feel, having confidence in yourself and feeling worthy of love. You were taught that focusing on your needs and desires is selfish. That’s quite a set of challenges to overcome.
Here’s what you can do if you wish to heal from these messages given to you as a child, courtesy of Karyl McBride from the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” (Free Press):
• Commit to learn who you really are and what your values are – on a deep level. For example, ask yourself: In my favorite type of conversation, what do I talk about and with whom? What activities bring me joy? What’s most important for me in a love relationship? What standards do I hold myself to in an intimate relationship? What is my ideal partner? What does s/he say and do, and how does s/he behave? What are my most important priorities as a parent? What makes me happy? What are my passions and talents?
• On the top of a page, write the heading: “If I Were Good Enough.” Then write the things you’d do right now if you felt good enough. “If I were good enough, I would…”
• What interests you? What’s fun for you? What do you find fulfilling? Don’t get caught in the trap that it’s selfish to pursue your own interests or activities. You must learn to care for your inner self and your spirit.
• Set, keep and hold effective boundaries with other people, including your narcissistic parent if that still applies. You must set your own rules that watch out for you and keep you safe.
• Commit to treating your own narcissistic traits, and refuse to pass them along to your children.
• Allow yourself to grieve the childhood you didn’t have, the parent you didn’t have and the child you didn’t get to be.
• It is important to remember that no person is all good or all bad. Even if you had a parent who displayed narcissistic traits, there were also good things she or he offered you. S/he likely passed along talents, passions, interests and knowledge to you. Remind yourself of the gifts you received from that parent as well.
• Be accountable – to yourself and to others – for your feelings and your behaviors.
• Learn to become your own internal mother (or father). That is, learn to parent yourself—now, as an adult. This is your own maternal or paternal instinct. It is the intuitive voice that speaks to you and wants to nurture, love and mother you. The part of you that soothes you emotionally, and helps you to feel inner strength and personal self-empowerment. The voice within you that says: “You are doing fine.” “You are worthy.” “You deserve this.” “You can handle this.” “I believe in you.” If negative messages about you bubble up and refuse to go away, go back to the step regarding grieving. Positive messages don’t tend to stick unless you have really worked on grieving effectively.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at 303.758.8777, or e-mail him from his website, www.heartrelationships.com.
Groton’s Fourth Fall Festival awaits you. It all unfolds Saturday, October 10th. This is a special community event created and sponsored by the Groton Business Association (GBA) of the Greater Mystic Chamber of Commerce. The Festival runs from 10 am to 4 pm and is a rain or shine event.
You can obtain full information on all events by going to the GBA web site at grotonbiz.com or calling the Chamber at 860.572.9578. Directions to event sites are on the web site.
The primary site is Poquonnock Plains Park, centrally located in the middle of Groton. This will be the location of an Arts and Crafts Show, local business displays, exhibits and food vendors. The Classic Car Show will take place at the Ella T. Grasso – Southeastern Technical High School.
Free parking is available at Grasso Technical High. Shuttle service to the event site is provided.
New this year is radio controlled airplane demonstrations throughout the day. RC Propbusters, a radio controlled model airplane club, is providing the aerial demonstrations. The Blackhawk helicopter from AVCRAD is back for another year and will be on display.
Attendees will be entertained by the Karaoke On-Demand Finals, sponsored by Citadel Communications and Comcast, a concert by the Rock N’ Soul Band 9Teen, sponsored by Groton Utilities, and demonstrations by students from Gabriele’s Karate Kick Box Studio.
Alexis Ann, editor & publisher, the Resident, and Captain John Eginton, owner, Mystic Whaler Cruises, sailing on Fishers Island Sound sharing the good news of Ed Dean and Amy O’Conner’s 23rd wedding anniversary aboard the Mystic Whaler. See page 5.
by Alexis Ann
photo by Ed Dean
First and foremost, let’s put our hands together for the Old Mystic Fire Department on their August 25th trench rescue. A 17-year old boy from Scotland, CT, accidentally buried himself at East Beach, Charlestown, RI. Chief Kenneth Richards, Jr., and his squad saved a life…Appreciation here.
The Chamber of Commerce of Eastern CT is pleased to announce Dr. Raymond B. Johnson as the 2009 recipient of the William Crawford Distinguished Service Award. The Crawford Award is an honor given by the Chamber recognizing an outstanding member of the community who has contributed, not only to the quality of life in the region, but also to his or her fellow neighbors. Meet Ray here.
Congrats to our pro baseball team, the Defenders, on their first playoff appearance in seven years! Catch the score here. And, don’t forget to mark your calendar for the fourth annual Groton Fall Festival-October 10th!
The Moose Lodge in Bozrah held its 5th Annual Moose Riders Pig Roast Cook-off and I was there to taste some sumptuous pork! Meet the winners here. What a fun event and unique way to raise monies for local charities. Hats off!
Thanks for reading the Resident, the Good News that Rocks! Please remember to patronize our advertisers as they’re helping to make the “good news” happen.
Chief Kenneth Richards, Jr., Old Mystic Fire Department, stands next to one of the rescue trucks at the fire deparment. He is proud of his squad for helping to rescue a 17-year-old boy who accidently buried himself at East Beach, Charlestown, RI.
story & photo
by Christopher Annino
Under the devote leadership of Chief Kenneth Richards, Jr., the Old Mystic Fire Department (OMFD) is known as always being prepared.
On August 25th, the OMFD’s knowledge and skills were tested when they received an urgent 911 call. A 17-year-old boy from Scotland, CT, accidentally buried himself at East Beach, Charlestown, RI.
“A lot of times the trench rescue can be fatal. The most important thing when someone is stuck in a hole, especially, if it is sand, is not to panic. The more the victim moves the more they will be entrapped,” said Chief Richards.
The unearthing process took the efforts of Lt. Keven Czapla, FF Kristen Ihde, AE Shawn Kotfer, FF Craig Mateyov, Sr., FF Craig Mateyov, Jr., FF Ryan Parker, Lt. Jared Priest, Lt. Benjamin Ragdale, FF Geraldine Richards, Lt. Keith Richards, Chief Richards, and Engineer Chris Stearns, OMFD, to save the boys life. The young man survived and was sent via Life Star to the Rhode Island Hospital. This story gained national attention and was shown on a number of global news stations.
“This was our first trench rescue because we just got certified, so I am very proud of my squad. The department owes a great thanks to the Town of Stonington for purchasing our rescue vehicle that we used,” said Chief Richards.
Chief Richards is one of 30 people on the National Fire Protection Association Board of Directors. He was asked to develop training standards for the USA and Canada.
The OMFD has over 20 active members that are MRT, EMT, and/or Fire Fighter certified. The fire department also has several rescue teams that are certified in technical trench, rope, core, open water, advanced open water, and black water rescue. Each fire fighter must put in a great deal of their time to train, some training programs being 144 hours. The fire department’s dive team’s skills and readiness for action have been crucial for many vital rescues this year. So far this summer, they were called to three major dive rescues.
The Old Mystic Fire Department is always looking for volunteers, if interested please call 860.572.0434.
