by Neil Rosenthal

NOTE:  This is the second part of a two-part series.
Are you considering remarriage?  If you wish to avoid being among the 60% of people whose second marriage fails, learn these lessons.

Marriage, being a relationship consisting of two people, allows us to virtually always fault the other person when problems arise.  So, if we have trouble getting along, or we disagree on things, I can get away with thinking, feeling and acting as if the problems that exist are because of you.   That permits me the slippery position of never having to look inward at myself – or holding me accountable for my mistakes or failings in the relationship.

In addition, it matters how people handle their anger and differences. We tend to think that because we’re angry, we’re entitled to express ourselves however we want.  So we frequently take permission to be harsh, mean or demeaning.  But mean reactions push our partners away and distance people from each other.  No matter how justified we feel in our anger, expressing that anger in hurtful, mean, degrading or unnecessarily harsh ways hurts the love and the trust our relationship is based on.

So learn to express your hurt, anger, disappointments and frustrations in a kinder, friendlier and more elegant manner.  You can speak your peace and still be respectful; you can express you disappointment and still be careful not to destroy good will and trust between the two of you.  Being angry and self-righteous are not acceptable reasons for wounding another person or treating him/her disrespectfully.

Also, 65% of remarriages involve children.  Children frequently resent the presence of another adult who lives in their mom or dad’s house, and who requires time, attention and affection from the parent also.  Children tend to harbor a deep hope that Mom and Dad will get back together, and a new spouse significantly threatens that fantasy.  A parent may value his/her children above all else, while the new spouse typically doesn’t-and may even feel awkward, uncomfortable and displaced around those same children.  To be a stepparent is to never fully feel sure you’re accepted as part of the family.  All of this leads me to suggest that you would be wise in going slowly when it comes to remarrying.  It takes times to create a new stepfamily.

You simply cannot bring the unresolved issues, conflicts and emotions from your previous relationships into your next relationship – and expect your new relationship to function smoothly.

You must understand the mistakes you made as a spouse the last time around, so you can be a better husband or wife this time.  And, you must get skilled at resolving conflicts, disappointments, differences and disagreements in an effective, non-reactive, non-hostile and respectful manner.  You have to replace the associations you have of what a man or woman is-based on what your ex was.

“Most people get married believing a myth – that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship.  The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box.  You must put something in before you can take anything out.  There is no love in marriage:  love is in people and people put it into marriage.  There is no romance in marriage – people have to infuse it into their marriage.  A couple must learn this art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising-keeping the box full.  If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty,” says J. Allan Peterson.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, CO, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships.  He can be reached at 303. 758.8777, or e-mail him from his website, heartrelationships.com.

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by Tony Schillaci and Don Church

Christmas arrived early this year – on December 7th at the Goodspeed Opera House in East Haddam. But – good news! – it will still be Christmas through Sunday, January 4th as Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas delights audiences young and old, and all of us in-between!

The heartwarming story is a twist on The Gift of the Magi.  As Christmas approaches the fantasy world of Frogtown Hollow, Emmet Otter and his Ma can only dream of buying each other gifts. So when a Christmas Eve talent contest is announced, both secretly enter hoping to win the prize money!  Emmet and Ma risk all they have and end up with the greatest gift of all.

As an intimate venue, Goodspeed lends itself especially well to this lighthearted new work.  Michael P. Price, Executive Director, says “Looking to the future we hope Christmas at the Goodspeed Opera House will be an enduring holiday tradition.” The Resident agrees, putting Emmet Otter in the “Christmas Classics” league with The Nutcracker, The Radio City Music Hall Christmas Show, and It’s A Wonderful Life.

Based on director Jim Henson’s television feature, this new theatrical adaptation features a lovable mix of eighteen actors and puppet characters (Doc Bullfrog is just one example) from The Jim Henson Company. Emmet Otter is played by Daniel Reichard (Jersey Boys), Cass Morgan (Mary Poppins and Beauty and the Beast) is Ma Otter, Alan Campbell (Contact and Sunset Boulevard) plays Pa Otter and Kate Wetherhead (Legally Blond and The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee) portrays Jane.

A toe-tapping score makes it a classic holiday show for everyone. This world premiere musical is based on the book “Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas” by Russell and Lillian Hoban and the ground-breaking all-puppet HBO special of the same name produced and directed by Jim Henson. This production is a unique collaboration among Goodspeed Musicals, co-book writers Timothy A. McDonald of iTheatrics and Christopher Gattelli, and The Jim Henson Company. Paul Williams who contributed the music and lyrics worked earlier in the season with Goodspeed on the fun musical Happy Days!

Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas will run December 7 through January 4 at the Goodspeed Opera House in East Haddam. Resident readers still have time to purchase tickets for this great new family-friendly show!  Please visit www.goodspeed.org for details and availability.

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by Alexis Ann
Last Friday, December 12, 2008, the Mohegan Tribe made history when Matt Kobyluck was crowned the first Native American to win a NASCAR Series Championship.   It was a heartwarming experience witnessing Champion Matt, a member of the Mohegan Tribe, accepting the coveted NASCAR trophy for the 2008 NASCAR Camping World Series East Champion.  Feelings of pride enveloped the Mohegan Convention Center, not only for Champ Matt, but also for his entire Mohegan Family and circle of friends.   These good feelings were contagious.

Mohegan Tribal Chairman Bruce “Two Dogs” Bozsum spoke of the “Tribe’s core value of giving back to our communities.”  “Congratulations Matt, you are the first Native American in history to win a NASCAR Series Championship.”  “You started at Waterford Speedbowl and now, you’re here.  It’s always good when Native sons rise and achieve such honor.”  Two Dogs talked about Matt’s Construction Company helping to build the Sun’s first Casino of the Earth.  In closing, and in true Mohegan Tradition, the Chairman sang the Honor Song.

“Even when you are the best, you strive to be even better!” posits Matt.  “It’s in the history books.  It’s really good!”  Matt thanked his family and especially his wife Lori, “My wife, Lori is the champion here in our house.”  Matt introduced his team, “Stand up and take some recognition,” he said.  Matt spoke about the close bond he has with his crew chief Perry Waite.

Matt Kobyluck accomplished plenty during his first nine full seasons racing in the NASCAR Camping World Series East.  He posted wins on short tracks, speedways, and road courses; won at all three NASCAR-sanctioned tracks in his home state of Connecticut; and had at least one win in six of the past seven seasons.  What he was able to do in year ten, topped all of that.

He concluded with an emotional salute to his late brother, Dan Kobyluck, Jr., “Sixteen years ago this January, I lost my best friend, my brother Dan Jr. Ever since then, I have done my best to memorialize, honor, and have him as my co-pilot at every race and in life. I have learned so much with DWK, Jr. next to me on the roof of my car guiding this team in a direction that only he knew. We accomplished the impossible!” he said.

The 38-year old Native American drove his No. 40 Mohegan Sun Resort Chevy to a series-high four wins en route to the first NASCAR championship in his long and distinguished career.

Champ Matt collected nine top fives and 12 top 10s in 13 starts, and his dominance throughout the season allowed him to clinch the championship at Dover International Speedway with one race remaining on the schedule.

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